The Sink, Kitchen – A group of single hairs is making its way to the kitchen sink with hopes of wrapping themselves over and around various wet dishes, sponges, and, of course, each other – anyone they can cling to is a catch to fallen hairs.
There is a tacit understanding among the hair community that the kitchen sink is the best destination for new singles; in itself, the actual voyage to the kitchen is considered to be a traditional pilgrimage that can take up to several months to complete. And many hairs get lost along the way.
“If you’re lucky, you’ll fall out of your host’s head while they’re standing over the sink,” said one strand who fell onto a dirty dish in the dining room.”It’s all about falling out in the right place at the right time. I got pretty lucky,” the hair continued, “I just had to sit in that dirty bowl and wait to be taken to the sink. But my host is pretty messy, so it took like two weeks.”
Once they make it to the basin, the hairs get to mingle with wet and dirty dishes, sponges, and even the human hands that spend a great deal of time and energy trying to catch and dispose of the elusive hairs.
It’s very uncommon for hairs to go down the drain once they have made it to the basin. Their survival rate is so exceptional because they have mastered the art of clinginess. If a hair is long enough, it can be accommodated by several wet dishes at once, making it nearly impossible to pull the lovers away from each other.
It’s no secret that hairs experience separation anxiety once removed from their host. And now, we know that this applies even if the hairs fell out naturally. According to several sources, the separation trauma might explain the hairs’ tendency toward serial monogamy.
When a group of three couples planned a weekend getaway in the mountains, they made an altruistic yet fateful gesture of inviting a 7th and 8th wheel: Judy Pascal and Johnny Manori.
“Judy was my best friend, and she had been single for way too long,” said Sarah Hicks, the organizer of the trip. “She said she didn’t want a relationship and that she loved being independent, but I knew she was lying so I blackmailed her into coming.” Johnny was friends with the boys. They invited Johnny because they knew he would stop hanging out with them if he had a girlfriend.”
According to Ms. Hicks, the trip started out on a good note. “All of us couples were having a great time, and I thought [Judy and Johnny] were having a swell time too. Judy kept sprinting up ahead of us and smiling Johnny would waste no time to catch up with her. It looked like love at first sight.”
Indeed, it appeared as though Judy and Johnny had a real connection. Johnny was already adopting her mannerisms, and he had a seemingly pre-existing passion for all of her interests. But hindsight is 20/20, and it is now clear that Judy was trying to escape from conversing with Johnny, who took it upon himself to stand guard when she relieved herself behind a tree within the first hour of knowing her.
“Once we set up our campsite on the cliff, Judy said she wanted to kill herself and take Johnny with her,” recalled Ms. Hicks.
Soon after, witnesses say that Judy lit a cigarette and walked towards the edge of a cliff to look at the beautiful foggy view by herself. “She just wanted some alone time,” said one witness.
But, within seconds, Johnny came to join her. “I could see her swelling with anger from really far away. She would do anything to get away from him, and he just kept following her, so that’s how they both died.”
Washington, D.C. – A man’s confidence has plummeted due to the daily lack of unwanted attention he receives from women. Now, a “nimbus of self-doubt” hovers over Roger Belcher when he roams the public sphere, and it “pours anxiety” over him once the thought of stepping outside even enters his mind.
“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Am I ugly? Am I boring? Am I not worthy of acknowledgment?” Roger asks himself these questions every day – and he’s not alone.
As more awareness is brought to the matter of catcalling, an increasing number of men between the ages of 13 and 99 are feeling dehumanized by the realization that female passersby never make uninvited sexual comments about their bodies.
To ease the pain, experts suggest repeating phrases of self-love in the mirror every day before stepping outside to persuade themselves that they are worthy of female attention.
“If men convince themselves that they really are decent human beings, they will eventually feel more confident,” said Dr. Edith Cockburn, a psychiatrist at George Washington Universiy. According to Dr. Cockburn, even simple phrases such as “I look great today,” “I’m a shining star,” and “I am loveable,” will make a big difference.
When Tommy Davis gave Melinda Reichbiche a dirty look at the mall, Melinda already knew how to get revenge. “I stealthily followed Tommy until he met up with his dad, Gary. Then, I fucked Gary, wrecked his home, and within a month I became Tommy’s stepmother.”
According to Melinda, Gary believes their marriage is actually founded on love rather than mere revenge. “Oh, he loves me so much. It’s kind of cute. Tommy, on the other hand, he knows exactly what’s going on and I always respond by either ignoring him or grounding him. The fact that males have no idea how much power us ladies have over them is just so endearing. It almost makes me like them!”
The next time you prepare for a hot date, think again before you remove your body hair: According to new research, your body hairs experience extreme sadness when you send them down the drain.
In a recent study, scientists observed the emotional reaction of body hairs after they being severed from the body. The results show that hairs do indeed experience emotional trauma after their removal.
“When you take [hairs] off your body, they have a lot of time to fester in your drain or floor or wherever,” said Doctor Friedrich Bosch, a Psychoanalyst at the Center For Keratin Studies and Psychoanalysis in Berlin. “Once your hairs are gone, you may very well forget about them, but that doesn’t mean that they forget about you. In fact, they spend years thinking about how much they miss you, wondering why they weren’t good enough for you,” Dr. Bosch told us.
With the help of several colleagues, Dr. Bosch has formed a coalition to increase global awareness of the trauma we subject our hairs to when we yank or shave them off our body. “Hairs are very clingy,” said Dr. Bosch. “When we remove them, they interpret it as a palpable message of disrespect and rejection.”
But there is some good news; the hairs’ despair doesn’t last for very long. Since hairs are so clingy, they will find a new host in no time, and many hairs make a traditional pilgrimage to mingle with dishes in the kitchen sink.
Liberal residents of the Washington, DC area have been receiving invitations to “Compassion Class,” a weekly workshop hosted by a group of Trump supporters. These workshops “aim to make liberals more understanding of people who are uneducated and irrational while white.”
However, many of the liberals who received these invitations have interpreted the workshops as an attack on morality. “They just want to brainwash us and make us as stupid and inhumane as they are. I mean, what are they going to do? Teach us how to f*** our 12-year-old cousin? God, these people are so backwards,” said a man wearing his t-shirt inside-out.
Samantha, a young woman who lives with her parents in the DC suburbs said, “What? They want to teach us how to be empathetic? That is craziness! They’re going to tell us we need to be compassionate and then tell us that political correctness and gender studies are ruining the”- (Samantha suddenly clutched her purse and walked away when she noticed two young black men on their lunch break walking in our direction).
According to Kenneth Myers, the leader of the workshop, the classes will help liberals gain a better understanding of the modern-day conservative thought process. “The fact that many [Trump supporters] ignore facts and hate the concept of equality doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and it doesn’t make us racist or sexist, either.”
“You see,” said Myers, “[liberals] need to understand that many [white men] will lose power if we create equality. We need them to understand that we don’t want to be deplorable, but our circumstances have made us see things in a different way. Our needs – our hopes, our dreams, our lack thereof – are all valid. We just want liberals to understand that we want to cling on to our equality just as much as they want the homosexuals and women and non-whites to be equal.”
Kenneth Myers says he hopes to expand the classes to reach other left-leaning American cities. So far, no liberals have attended any of the three compassion classes held in the capital. But Kenneth Myers isn’t letting this bother him: “It’s okay, them not showing up just means I don’t have to be stuck in a room with a bunch of sissies.”
Baltimore’s voluntourism sector is booming, thanks to the white saviors who are flocking to Baltimore to help the underprivileged children attending public school there.
Free-spirited voluntourists have altruistically sacrificed their life-changing trips to “real” third-world countries so they can “make a difference” in one of America’s most depressing cities.
“I was disappointed,” said Amanda, a white savior from New Jersey who will be volunteering in Baltimore public schools over her spring break. “I really wanted to go see actual starving mud-hut children in Africa, but my parents told me the flight was too expensive and booked me a Greyhound to Baltimore instead.”
Though disappointed, Amanda has decided to respond to her parents’ request with grace. “As long as I can take one selfie with a starving black baby, I’m fine with not going to an exotic location,” she told us.
Other parents of budding white saviors are not as keen to send their kids to Baltimore. “The African Americans just aren’t as worthy as the starving African Africans,” one dad told us, noting that the children just need to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps, even if they don’t have any.”
White saviors who have participated in the programs say the lack of language barrier made them feel uncomfortable. “I could hear the kids saying mean things about me,” said Robbie, a young man who taught a third-grade class in Baltimore for two days before running away in tears.
Although Robbie “definitely” doesn’t want to return to Baltimore, he still says the trip was life-changing and that he would recommend it to anyone who needs an eye-opening experience. “It really made me grateful for everything I have,” he said as he sat down for a warm meal with his family.
On a more serious note, you can make a donation to stop Baltimore students from freezing to death in their classrooms by clicking here.
After several years of research, Jesus Christ of Nazareth has officially been diagnosed with schizophrenia.
Historians followed their gut when they noticed that Jesus portrayed characteristics of “messiah complex.” Following this lead, it was soon “inarguably evident, beyond reasonable doubt” that Jesus was suffering from extreme hallucinations which resulted in erratic behavior just before his death.
“These findings are a game-changer,” said Dr. Peter Roth, a forensic psychologist. “Now, we know that Jesus was enduring hell before he was crucified. To him, it must have been very real but, back then, people didn’t know as much about mental illness as we do now. That’s why he was crucified.”
Indeed, if the people of the Roman Empire had been more aware of mental illnesses, it is unlikely that Jesus would have been crucified or taken seriously. “He would have been sectioned, for sure,” said Dr. Roth.
However, historians and Bible nuts alike say this finding doesn’t mean Christians should stop taking The Bible seriously; if you are concerned that you or anyone you know is suffering from schizophrenia, experts recommend reading The Bible to see if your thoughts resemble the words of Jesus.