Jesus Christ Has Officially Been Diagnosed With Schizophrenia

JesusBrain_WP
Jesus holds a schizophrenic brain in his hands.

After several years of research, Jesus Christ of Nazareth has officially been diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Historians followed their gut when they noticed that Jesus portrayed characteristics of “messiah complex.” Following this lead, it was soon “inarguably evident, beyond reasonable doubt” that Jesus was suffering from extreme hallucinations which resulted in erratic behavior just before his death.

“These findings are a game-changer,” said Dr. Peter Roth, a forensic psychologist. “Now, we know that Jesus was enduring hell before he was crucified. To him, it must have been very real but, back then, people didn’t know as much about mental illness as we do now. That’s why he was crucified.”

Indeed, if the people of the Roman Empire had been more aware of mental illnesses, it is unlikely that Jesus would have been crucified or taken seriously. “He would have been sectioned, for sure,” said Dr. Roth.

However, historians and Bible nuts alike say this finding doesn’t mean Christians should stop taking The Bible seriously; if you are concerned that you or anyone you know is suffering from schizophrenia, experts recommend reading The Bible to see if your thoughts resemble the words of Jesus.

Crazed Jesus
Historians have updated the image they had originally boasted as the most accurate depiction of Jesus Christ to include a crazed look in his eyes.

Terror Looms As Mike Pence Continues To Disrupt Fantasies Of Trump Impeachment

PenceTerrors_WP3

If Mike Pence is interfering with your ability to fantasize about a Trump impeachment, you’re not alone. In fact, you are becoming less alone every day.

Thousands of men and women from around the country are holding Mike Pence responsible for preventing them from fantasizing about Donald Trump’s impeachment.

And the numbers of people experiencing the condition are only growing. As we enter the second year of the Trump era, and as the odds of his impeachment do indeed grow, more Americans report that Mike Pence is killing their dreams of a less stressful future.

One woman who suffers from this “Impeachment Boner-Killing Syndrome” (IBKS) told us, “There’s [SIC] at least five times a day that I start fantasizing about [Donald Trump’s] impeachment. I see the breaking news headlines and everything. But suddenly, Mike Pence’s face starts showing up everywhere and the short-lived pleasure reverts back to pain.”

Although many of those who suffer from IBKS are quick to blame Michael Pence for intruding their minds, experts say the condition is “simply an unfortunate side effect of the reality of the current political situation.”