Jesus Christ Has Officially Been Diagnosed With Schizophrenia

Jesus holds a schizophrenic brain in his hands.

After several years of research, Jesus Christ of Nazareth has officially been diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Historians followed their gut when they noticed that Jesus portrayed characteristics of “messiah complex.” Following this lead, it was soon “inarguably evident, beyond reasonable doubt” that Jesus was suffering from extreme hallucinations which resulted in erratic behavior just before his death.

“These findings are a game-changer,” said Dr. Peter Roth, a forensic psychologist. “Now, we know that Jesus was enduring hell before he was crucified. To him, it must have been very real but, back then, people didn’t know as much about mental illness as we do now. That’s why he was crucified.”

Indeed, if the people of the Roman Empire had been more aware of mental illnesses, it is unlikely that Jesus would have been crucified or taken seriously. “He would have been sectioned, for sure,” said Dr. Roth.

However, historians and Bible nuts alike say this finding doesn’t mean Christians should stop taking The Bible seriously; if you are concerned that you or anyone you know is suffering from schizophrenia, experts recommend reading The Bible to see if your thoughts resemble the words of Jesus.

Crazed Jesus
Historians have updated the image they had originally boasted as the most accurate depiction of Jesus Christ to include a crazed look in his eyes.

Author: The Pulp Press

Pithy reportage with no basis

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