Suspected Murder Scene In Ladies’ Restroom “Just A Mooncup Mishap”

Mooncup

Local authorities are pleased to announce that, though “traumatizing” and “pretty gross,” the bloodbath found in a public ladies’ restroom was not caused by a transgender murderer but rather a slightly embarrassed cis woman who spilled her Mooncup contents on the floor. The accident has several male lawmakers debating whether or not the insertion and removal of menstrual cups should be legal in ladies’ restrooms.

Though the culprit has come forward to confess, she refuses to apologize, claiming that she “couldn’t help it,” and “didn’t have time to clean it up.”

The news has sparked concern among male legislators in Washington who worry that the benefits of menstrual cups do not outweigh the drawbacks. Now, the male lawmakers are considering implementing a law that bans the insertion and removal of Mooncups in public ladies’ bathrooms.

“My wife and daughters shouldn’t have to risk seeing pools of blood every time they use a restroom. It’s disgusting, and it’s unnatural,” said Female Anatomy Expert/R-Senator, Marco Rubio, before vehemently denying that he or anyone in his family has ever had a period.

Others argue that periods are very natural and that women who use Mooncups should be applauded for utilizing eco-friendly period collection methods. To protest, they urge women to send their used sanitary products to the following address:
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW,
Washington, DC 20500

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Livid Bitch Finally Speaks Out Against Street Harassment

doggycam_WPLos Angeles, C.A. – Tinkerbell Howley, a Labrador from the suburbs of Los Angeles, wanted to show the world how much harassment she endures while trying to walk anonymously with her owner in the street, so she went on a walk with a GoPro on her back. She plans to make a compilation film of a year’s worth of GoPro footage.

The doggy cam footage to date shows random passersby shoving their hands in front of her nose.  Whether she expressed interest or not, the harassers would then move to rubbing her ears, neck, and armpits. Some people even gave her kisses, “as if I want your mouth all over me.” Tinkerbell cringes as she replays the footage.

“Aw, she’s irresistible. I was giving her a compliment,” says Gerald Corrola, a fellow resident of Tink’s neighborhood. “If I had known she didn’t like it, I would have stopped bother-”

Gerald then lost his train of thought when he noticed a young woman on the opposite sidewalk. “Hey, sexy!” he called out to her. She ignored him. “Hey, didn’t your mom teach you to say thank you?” He shouted. “Fuck off,” she clarified. “Hey, fuck you, you ugly piece of ass!” he yelled back to her.

Bitches these days…

As a puppy, Tinkerbell Howley loved going outside. But her affinity for the outdoors diminished to dread when she became aware of how many entitled humans felt entitled to encroach on her personal space.

“They would click, squeal, gawk, and whistle at me from all directions,” says Tink. “I tried to ignore them, but I have really sensitive ears.”

The more it happened, Tink says, the angrier she became. She tried telling the strangers to go away. If she barked, her owner would yell at her. If she simply ignored the harassment, it would only intensify.

In turn, her resentment escalated into a fear of the outdoors. “She would hide her nose in a pile of pillows every time I mentioned the words ‘leash’ or ‘walk,'” recalls her owner, Mark Howley.

“It’s because you’re too cute, Tink,” Mark would try to comfort her. His reaction exasperated Tink’s frustration. According to Tink, Mark even blamed her for the harassment, citing her wagging tail as the provoker. “I can’t help wagging my fucking tail, it’s just how canine anatomy works,” she snarks at the memory.

Tinkerbell concocted a plan. “The next time Mark touched the leash, I retrieved his GoPro from the cupboard and dropped it on the floor next to his feet.” Mark thought the concept of a doggy-cam video sounded like a “cool idea” and complied.

Instagram Foodie Loses Influence After Blindly Following A Cannibal

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An Instagram foodie’s follower count has plummetted after she accidentally followed a cannibal in an attempt to gain more followers.

After spending hours of her boring Sunday shift at Smoothie King participating in like-for-like, comment-for-comment, and follow-for-follow campaigns on Instagram, foodie Sue Dickinson (@Desperate4taste) realized too late that she had accidentally liked, praised, and followed one or more of Instagram’s cannibals.

The cannibal has only shared two images so far, and Desperate4taste commented on and liked both of them.

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Desperate4taste expresses praise to Instagram cannibal with several emojis

Dickinson alleges she was scrolling through “all of the like-minded foodies” on Instagram, using hashtags such as “#meatlover,” “#getinmybelly,” “#foodporn,” and “#cookingfresh”, and blindly interacting with every photo and user she encountered. Somewhere along the way, she happened to express her deep appreciation to Can_nibble, an anonymous Instagram cannibal.

Dickinson claims she does not recall liking, following, or sending comments to Can_nibble, but her followers sure do. “I opened Instagram and saw that Desperate4taste had sent a deluge of emojis to Can_Nibble. When I clicked on Can_nibble’s profile to see learn more about them, the first thing I noticed was that their bio said ‘Nothing better than a bit of freshly cooked human flesh. #Cannibalism.’ When I scrolled down, I saw loads of pictures that were just inarguably cannibalistic.”

Can_Nibble Instagram profile
Can_nibble’s Instagram page has no profile picture, and the bio reads: “Flesh Fries…Nothing better than a bit of freshly cooked human flesh! #cannibalism”

The Pulp Press attempted to reach out to Can_nibble, who is apparently a fugitive and unwilling to comment. However, the account is still active, and Instagram foodies from all walks of life continue to like Can_nibble’s photos.

Sue Dickinson was not the only foodie to praise Can_nibble’s account, but she is the only one who has given a statement (not that anyone cares). Dickinson is set to take an indefinite hiatus from social media.

The Pulp Press:

 

Cigarette Sales Boom After News Breaks That Vaping Causes Cancer

Cig Box_WP

New York, New York – When news broke of a possible link between vaping, cancer, and heart disease, nicotine-addicted hipsters wasted no time; they all immediately headed to their nearest corner shop to buy a fresh pack of cigs.

“If vaping causes cancer, I might as well start smoking cigarettes,” said Dan Slick, a confused hipster whose nicotine dependence started with a vape pen. “I mean, I won’t get the same clouds with [cigarettes], but at least I’ll be able to achieve the Monroe-Hepburn aesthetic,” he added.

Hipsters aren’t the only ones who are positively impacted by the new data. “This is fantastic news,” a tobacco lobbyist declared. “We’ve been trying to warn the public about the risks of vaping since it was first introduced to the market, and now, we finally have some scientific data to back up our claims.”

Smokers who never attempted to replace their analog cigarettes for electronic ones also feel vindicated. “I told you so,” said one smoker who laughed smugly at the news.

Indeed, it is appaent that smoking traditional cigarettes is the way to go.

 

This Instagram Cat Just Sold A Vintage Homemade Hairball Keychain For $3,000

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New York, NY – In a stroke of creative genius, Instagram cat Oscar “du Fluff” Harris managed to make a key ring from his crusty, aged hairballs and sell it for $3,000. It is now being used as a posh accessory to a Hermes bag.

When Oscar “du Fluff” Harris (@Oscar_duFluff) set up his Etsy account in late-January, he had no idea that his vintage hairball auction would bring in such revenue.

Hairball Pom Pom
The pompom is now attached to a Hermes bag.

Originally listed as $3.50, the hairball’s price increased nearly one hundred times in just seven days.

Oscar’s spokesperson told The Pulp Press that the resourceful feline had been storing the hairball for several years but had no idea the auction would be this successful.

“Oscar expected to make some money from his blog and social media sponsorships, but the success of this Etsy auction has been phenomenal.”

Now, Oscar can afford the luxurious lifestyle he loves living. “Oscar is an incredibly tenacious experience junky. Now, he can afford those hunting trips and catnip sessions without worrying about going into debt or becoming a criminal,” said Kitty Harris, Oscar’s owner.

Oscar’s next goal is to build an ottoman out of his coughed-up fluff, and he hopes the ottoman will reach 137 times the size of the keyring. The ottoman should be available by August this year, so start saving your money!