Cigarette Sales Boom After News Breaks That Vaping Causes Cancer

Cig Box_WP

New York, New York – When news broke of a possible link between vaping, cancer, and heart disease, nicotine-addicted hipsters wasted no time; they all immediately headed to their nearest corner shop to buy a fresh pack of cigs.

“If vaping causes cancer, I might as well start smoking cigarettes,” said Dan Slick, a confused hipster whose nicotine dependence started with a vape pen. “I mean, I won’t get the same clouds with [cigarettes], but at least I’ll be able to achieve the Monroe-Hepburn aesthetic,” he added.

Hipsters aren’t the only ones who are positively impacted by the new data. “This is fantastic news,” a tobacco lobbyist declared. “We’ve been trying to warn the public about the risks of vaping since it was first introduced to the market, and now, we finally have some scientific data to back up our claims.”

Smokers who never attempted to replace their analog cigarettes for electronic ones also feel vindicated. “I told you so,” said one smoker who laughed smugly at the news.

Indeed, it is appaent that smoking traditional cigarettes is the way to go.


Author: The Pulp Press

Pithy reportage with no basis

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