DID YOU KNOW? Manterrupters Suffer From Neuro-Evolutionary Retardation!

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Women around the world are saying “I told you so” as men who never listened to them finally confirm that a form of neuro-evolutionary retardation causes men to unwittingly ignore and interrupt women.

Doctors are referring to the impediment as “hypophrenic impotence,” which is defined as the inability to acknowledge and, in some cases, notice a woman’s presence in a mixed gender social situation. The condition is specific to men of every race, age group and religious background and dates as far back as word of mouth.

But it wasn’t until recently that experts confirmed this unappealing behavior as a neurophysiological trait rather than a mere rumor told by women.

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John Doe, a hypophrenic realtor

You have undoubtedly encountered impotent hypophrenics in a bar, a restaurant, or any other type of social hub.

Conversation ensues as the table fills with men and women. John Doe, our long-suffering man, will strike up a conversation with Jane. He asks what her job is and if she is single and her response of “Lawyer and happily engaged” triggers the poor man’s condition. (John is seeking casual fun, so this is not what he wants to hear).

Jane’s lack of use to him triggers a hypophrenic reaction making him instantly blind to her existence. As soon as the word “lawyer” exits her mouth, he loses the ability to hear what she says and will begin to talk over her or start a conversation with the man sitting nearest to her.

Despite Jane being the primary source of income in her relationship, when they say their goodbyes John will pat her on the small of her back and tell her to ensure ‘he takes good care of you, sweetheart.’

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Experts were surprised to discover that the frontal lobes of impotent hypophrenics hold a strong physical resemblance to a dense serving of mashed potatoes with gravy.

Initial research into the condition revealed that hypophrenic impotence is a symptom of evolutionary stagnancy in the frontal lobe. As a result, situations such as the one just described send the ignarus mentula part of the prefrontal cortex into overdrive. In the case of sufferers of this condition, the brain only recognizes people who can potentially fulfill a Neanderthal role to fill in the subjects’ life.

You see, impotent hypophrenics interpret women as a biological necessity filling the role of food supplier, sexual conquest, and source of admiration. Once a woman removes herself from any of these functions by expressing self-sufficiency or by being intellectually challenging, sexually unavailable or simply “not food,” the ignarus mentula blocks her out. And, if the subject has a particularly keen amygdala, he may even perceive her as a threat.

We now know that impotent hypophrenia is hereditary, and the onset is generally reported as coinciding with the start of puberty. The deformity is passed down by fathers who are unable to see their female partners as anything more than a service to themselves and their house to bring forth sons with a similar outlook.

Doctors initially recommended cognitive behavioral therapy but later found this method to be ineffective because most CBT providers are women. However, now that men are becoming more aware of the condition, a cure might not be so far away.

If you suspect that you or a loved one may be suffering from hypophrenic impotence, find out if you are eligible to participate in medical research by calling your nearest healthcare provider.

GRITTY – This Award-Winning Street Photographer Can Only Take Pictures Of Homeless People

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Ava Greer is talented enough to take pictures of anyone or anything in the world, but it’s physically impossible for her to take photos of anyone except homeless people! Poor girl! Luckily, she’s finding solace on Instagram and Facebook support groups for other street photographers with similar problems.

According to Ava, she is physically incapable of pressing the shutter button unless there’s a homeless person somewhere in the frame. “It’s like my body shuts down, and if the subject isn’t homeless, I literally cannot take their photo!”

But it wasn’t always like this, she says. “I’ve been doing photography since high school. At that time, I had never even seen a homeless person up close before.” Back in those days, Ava mostly took pictures of her friends and family, cashiers, mailmen, babies, and some still life.

“Then, I left home and traveled to loads of different cities for six months. When I got back, I looked at my thousands of photos and realized that only 20 of them were not of homeless people.”

According to Ava, she took all 20 of those photos on the first day of her travels. “The rest were all pictures of homeless people – thousands of photos of them. Nothing and nobody else,” she remembers. “As soon as I noticed, I rushed out the door to take pictures of people who were not homeless, but I couldn’t. I physically couldn’t do it.”

It’s been two years since then, and Ava’s problem still hasn’t improved, but she’s coping by participating in online support groups for street photographers who are unable to take pictures of anyone but homeless people. “There are actually a lot of people like me on Instagram, and I’m also a member of loads of street photography groups on Facebook, and we inspire each other to keep going.”

 

Jennifer Feels So Much Better Now Because The Random Guy Who Just Tickled Her Nips Is Obviously Gay

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Jennifer almost lost her shit this afternoon when some random dude reached out of nowhere and playfully titillated her nips for a good few seconds before disappearing back into a crowd of people. “I looked at my friend Courtney like, ‘What the fuck? Who just did that?’ But Court didn’t see it happen, and I thought we’d never find out who did it. It was really scary, and I was about to get really pissed off.”

Fortunately, the man popped back out from the crowd and confessed to pinching Jennifer’s nipples before identifying himself as a gay male. “He was like, ‘Oh, don’t worry, honey. I mean, look at me – I’m as gay as a jay and not even attracted to you.’ I immediately felt relieved because, if he was a straight guy, that would have been sexual assault. But it’s always nice to have gay men pop out of nowhere and fondle my nipples.”

“Jennifer is probably the luckiest girl in the world,” friend Courtney chimes in. “That sense of relief she experienced when she found out the guy wasn’t even into her – I really thought that whoever did it was head over heels attracted to her. I’m super jealous of her good luck.”

The Rise Of Coffee Warfare In America: A Photo Essay

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The debate surrounding the “right” way to prepare coffee has divided the barista community. Once united over a mutual, diehard passion for the coffee bean, baristas around the country are now ditching their bespoke “roasteries” and “straineries” for coffee-crazed militant groups. Some attribute this to the rise of nationalism in the coffee preparation trade. The Pulp Press reached out to Bean and Gone militant, Sebastian Harvey-Mott, for comment.

For Sebastian Harvey-Mott (Seb to his friends), it all started the summer he graduated from high school and got his first-ever summer job as a customer service rep at Starbucks Coffee, where, over the course of his two-month contract, Seb memorized the essentials of artful coffee making. Seb had been storing a novel in the pipelines since his second year of college where he studied Mexican Folklore at DeVry University. Seb felt confident that, thanks to his coffee expertise, academic prowess, and one-month volunteer experience building houses in Mexico he had the intellectual worldliness to pad out the next revolutionary piece of literature.

But Seb was forced to deviate from his plan due to his poor spending habits. No publisher or Kinko’s franchise wanted to print Seb’s book, and he was barely making more than minimum wage at now full-time barista job at Starbucks. “I could barely afford my apartment, friendships, and coffee dates – even with a monthly allowance from my parents.”

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Seb’s expenditures forced him to work tiring hours, but it was all worth it when a headhunter found his LinkedIn profile and recruited him for a sales rep position at Bean and Gone, an independent café-boutique just up the road from home. “They said they could tell I was the barista just by the way I composed myself,” Seb recalls.

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Seb accepted the job before he even heard the whole offer, and he got a pay rise just as quickly. Furthermore, knowing he was working for an independent company rather than a faceless corporation made him feel closer to a higher purpose.

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Working at Bean and Gone was a pleasure. The shop was full of penguin classics for casual browsing when not manning the machines. Seb could enjoy his 15-minute break knowing that, while he sat with his Guatemalan drip filtered coffee, he could be seen flicking through any number of pieces of renowned literature.

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Seb felt like his colleagues “got” him; they were all lovers of the drip filter, the manifestly superior coffee method. Seb’s coworkers invited him to attend meetups, held by the local branch of the nationwide Beaners Collective, in a local warehouse in an up-and-coming part of town.

“There was like a sense of oneness in this group of talented artists of cuisine,” Seb recalls. But the collective effervescence turned cold when nobody could agree on the “right” coffee preparation method.

Seb explains, “If you drink anything but the drip, you might as well drink earl grey.”

The preparation discussion turned into a dramatic argument that is now considered one of the most controversial and divisive subjects in barista discourse. The debate pulled The Beaners apart as smaller factions emerged per preferred preparation method.

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Sebastian remained aligned with Bean and Gone and was lucky enough to land another job in the clubhouse of the “Drip Filter Tilters, the baddest crew in Portland,” before things got too crazy. The rivalries all started pretty innocently; the odd bit of abuse thrown on the street, boycotting of rivals shops and the odd bit of shop front graffiti but it didn’t take long to get ramped up.

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Gang colors and tattoos were an inevitable turn in the rapidly inflaming rivalries between factions. They allowed for easy identification and made it easier to pick out rivals on the streets and know what coffee shops were housing them. Some say the tattoos are what sparked the violence.

In the last six months, coffee connoisseurs have seen several incidents involving the throwing of hot coffee, shipment hijacking, and ritual de-bearding (a humiliation tactic). However, the tension and conflict have only intensified and become more violent. This year alone has seen a total of 53 fatalities result from brutal coffee-related incidents. In December of last year, two young Decaf Instant enthusiasts (A.K.A Before Bedtime Boys or TripleB’s) were force-fed double Columbian espresso until they died of cardiac overload. This January, two people were killed in a midnight raid when the NYPD replaced the Brooklyn faction’s entire bean supply with decaf. The resulting caffeine deficiency left two of the members in a state of comatose before dying days later. The deaths were reported as natural (but under suspicious circumstances).

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“I have a lot of blood on my hands.” – Sebastian Harvey-Mott

With the wars raging on and no signs of a peace treaty, these angry caffeine heads will soon be rivaling the Crips and Bloods for pointless killings.

Nevertheless, Seb has high hopes for the future of the bean. Still sporting the gang emblem on his barista apron and with a balaclava rolled fashionably high over his years from last night’s hijinks he leaves us with this little insight: “I know we will end up losing small battles here and there, I may even end up losing a friend or two but fighting for what I believe in is more important to me than all of that. My father got to fight for his country, something he loved, as did his father before him. This is my time to shine, my gauntlet to face. I am proving myself and I know deep down in my heart that soon the nonbelievers will come around or be ground up like the bean we all love so much.”

Three weeks after this interview, Seb was identified by his dental records after the well known ‘dry roasting’ incident in which three gangs all conned into believing there was a black market Colombian coffee sale. All three were locked in a huge cargo container and rather ironically roasted at around 500 degrees for 5 to 10 minutes.

7 Signs That Your Boyfriend Is 100% Hubby Material

Okay, let’s be honest. The world is crawling with so many guys that it’s almost impossible to distinguish the keepers from the duds. You can try finding the right guy through trial and error, or you can read about how to find the best partner by looking it up online, but you only have so much free time in your busy schedule!!

Luckily, I’ve dated/had sex with almost every grown man on earth, so I can literally speak for anyone who might be reading!!

So, ladies, here is what you should be looking for in your man (Gentlemen, take note!):

1. When you’re feeling nauseous, he holds your hair and encourages you to vomit on him and not in the toilet

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If he wants to be drenched in your essence and comfort you at the same time, he’s definitely a keeper.

2. He’s super attracted to your pheromones even though you literally just shoved a dead rat up your vagina

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Okay, maybe it was a dead mouse, but whatever. If you have a dead animal up your snatch and he still says he’s attracted to you, hang on to him, he’s got to be a good catch!

3. He tells you you’re beautiful even though your makeup sucks and you’re wearing that hideous pair of sweatpants that his super hot ex-girlfriend left behind when she dumped him

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Okay, so his ex may have left a few too many broken pieces for you to glue back together, but at least he doesn’t admit that they looked better on her, right?

4. Whenever you’re apart, he doesn’t just send you pictures of his own penis, but of all of his friends’ dicks as well.

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If your boyfriend is going to be your future hubby, he should already be sending you a minimum of five dick pics per day and only one of them should be of his penis, which is just enough to make sure you don’t forget how much he cares about you.

5. He makes sure his foreskin is cut (or not cut) just the way you like it.

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If he’s got a foreskin but you prefer it sans, he should immediately conduct a search for the nearest scalpel (or medical professional).

If he’s uncircumcised, no problem; if your guy really is a keeper, he’ll gladly perform a skin graft on himself. Hopefully, he keeps a spare foreskin stashed in his sock drawer with his needle and thread.

Extra points:
  • He lets you hold the scalpel

6. You don’t need to take birth control because his sperm count is abnormally low.

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Extra points:
  • He’s a genius chemist and he injects a homemade contraceptive serum into his thigh every night before he goes to bed.

7. He might be more in love with your period than with you

7 Signs Your Boyfriend Is A Real Man And Husband Material

He loves your period so much that he begs you to let him insert your tampons for you.

Extra points:
  • His favorite brand is O.B., but when push comes to shove he’s still better at using a cardboard applicator than you are!

Third-Grader’s Swear Jar Proceeds Will Pay For Her Ivy League Education

Sage Parlancer is the envy of her third-grade classroom; she has saved enough swear jar money to afford her entire future college tuition, and possibly her retirement. Her excellent vocabulary and money-saving skills have already gotten her accepted into three Ivy League schools. 

“I’ve been passionate about profanities since I was about three years old,” Sage recalls. According to Sage, it all started one morning when she witnessed her father stub his toe while making breakfast. “He was so angry! He was like, ‘F@%* S#%! C#@!,’ and I was just thinking, ‘wow, what a wonderful avenue for self-expression.’ When my mom found out about what happened, she got so angry that she started cursing as well. It was amazing. I’ve loved swearing ever since.”

Sage’s parents, Fretta and Frank Parlancer, used to lay awake with sweaty, pounding hearts as they thought about the drug-addicted prostitute they were certain their daughter would become. “It was about two months after her fourth birthday when we realized we needed to do something to stop her. We tried washing her mouth out with soap, but that didn’t work, so we did some Googling and decided that a swear jar would be the best way to teach her some manners.”

A True Polyglot

The swear jar only inspired Sage to take her love for dirty words to a new extreme: “By the time I was five, I had learned the entire French language just because I thought I was cursing,” Sage remembers.

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Sage’s money banks line a five-tier shelf in her home.

Sage’s exploration of the French language (combined with her naturally romantic disposition) motivated her to curse in Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, and Romanian, as well as in German, Swedish, Russian, Swahili, Amharic, Arabic, Hebrew, Urdu, Farsi, Hindi, Nepali, Japanese, Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese, and Klingon.

By the time Sage turned six, the Parlancers had an entire five-tier bookshelf lined with swear jars and piggy banks, each designated for their respective swear word. “It got to the point where we were scared she was going to become a prostitute AND that we would go into debt trying to make sure she had enough coins to put in her swear jar,” Frank remembers.

But after news got out about Sage’s impressive savings, it became clear that Sage’s parents no longer needed to worry because their darling eight-year-old already had a promising future ahead of her.

Now, the only thing Sage and her parents have to think about is which Ivy League school she will attend in the fall of 2028 as she’s already been offered positions at Columbia, Harvard, and Yale.

Sage, you are an inspiration. Keep up the good work!

NRA Lobbies Congress To Arm Qualified Women With Vaginal Assault Rifles

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Dana Loesch poses with her new vaginal assault rifle.

Fairfax, Virginia – The NRA has announced plans to arm qualified women with vaginal assault rifles to “protect against rape.” The CB-69 Vaginal Assault Rifle targets male urethras with tiny hot pellets. The NRA has said they don’t want to protect women from rape, but that that maintaining relevance in the eyes of Congress is the critical matter here. Oh, and your family’s safety, of course.

“If this is the only way for us to stay relevant, so be it.”

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The CB-69 Vaginal Assault Rifle is “100% safer than anything else.”

If you thought firearm technology had advanced since the founding fathers drafted the Second Amendment, just wait until you see this bad boy.

The CB-69 is not only the most compact firearm in existence to date; the product is also eco-friendly. The vaginal assault rifle comes equipped with ten reusable mini pellets “to take care of your attacker and the environment,” and a silicone applicator “to ensure you can get it up there all nice and snug,” said Ms. Loesch. “This is the best way, the safest way, for women to protect themselves against rape and save the environment while they’re at it; kill two birds with one stone, or whatever.”

The news has sparked speculation over whether the NRA is making a desperate attempt to appeal to anti-gun Democrats and supporters of Planned Parenthood. The NRA has said that, yes, this weapon can be inserted upside down to shoot pellets at an embryo through the cervix, but claim to have taken measures to reduce the potential number of abortion incidents by adhering several warning labels on the packaging.

Pregnant women, for one, are not qualified to use this weapon. However, the NRA says that they will “turn a blind eye” if pregnant women do use the CB-69 as an abortion tool. “Our reputation is of utmost importance,” said NRA Spokeswoman, Dana Loesch. “If you give yourself an abortion with the CB-69, that’s really fucked up, but we will continue defending your right to choose.”

Furthermore, menstruating women are not allowed to use the CB-69. “Menstruating women are too irrational, and the chances of them getting raped are pretty slim anyway,” said Ms. Loesch.  In general, “hysterical” women will be denied access to these weapons. “We don’t want a bunch of trigger-happy crazies putting this in their birth canals,” Ms. Loesch added.

The guns are for internal, feminine use only. “Putting it in your anus would be a crime against nature.”

If the lobby is successful, you will be able to buy your own CB-69 Vaginal Assault Rifle at your local gun shop. They will also be available at chains such as Dick’s Sporting Goods, Walmart, and Amazon.