Fairfax, Virginia – The NRA has announced plans to arm qualified women with vaginal assault rifles to “protect against rape.” The CB-69 Vaginal Assault Rifle targets male urethras with tiny hot pellets. The NRA has said they don’t want to protect women from rape, but that that maintaining relevance in the eyes of Congress is the critical matter here. Oh, and your family’s safety, of course.
“If this is the only way for us to stay relevant, so be it.”
If you thought firearm technology had advanced since the founding fathers drafted the Second Amendment, just wait until you see this bad boy.
The CB-69 is not only the most compact firearm in existence to date; the product is also eco-friendly. The vaginal assault rifle comes equipped with ten reusable mini pellets “to take care of your attacker and the environment,” and a silicone applicator “to ensure you can get it up there all nice and snug,” said Ms. Loesch. “This is the best way, the safest way, for women to protect themselves against rape and save the environment while they’re at it; kill two birds with one stone, or whatever.”
The news has sparked speculation over whether the NRA is making a desperate attempt to appeal to anti-gun Democrats and supporters of Planned Parenthood. The NRA has said that, yes, this weapon can be inserted upside down to shoot pellets at an embryo through the cervix, but claim to have taken measures to reduce the potential number of abortion incidents by adhering several warning labels on the packaging.
Pregnant women, for one, are not qualified to use this weapon. However, the NRA says that they will “turn a blind eye” if pregnant women do use the CB-69 as an abortion tool. “Our reputation is of utmost importance,” said NRA Spokeswoman, Dana Loesch. “If you give yourself an abortion with the CB-69, that’s really fucked up, but we will continue defending your right to choose.”
Furthermore, menstruating women are not allowed to use the CB-69. “Menstruating women are too irrational, and the chances of them getting raped are pretty slim anyway,” said Ms. Loesch. In general, “hysterical” women will be denied access to these weapons. “We don’t want a bunch of trigger-happy crazies putting this in their birth canals,” Ms. Loesch added.
The guns are for internal, feminine use only. “Putting it in your anus would be a crime against nature.”
If the lobby is successful, you will be able to buy your own CB-69 Vaginal Assault Rifle at your local gun shop. They will also be available at chains such as Dick’s Sporting Goods, Walmart, and Amazon.