Okay, let’s be honest. The world is crawling with so many guys that it’s almost impossible to distinguish the keepers from the duds. You can try finding the right guy through trial and error, or you can read about how to find the best partner by looking it up online, but you only have so much free time in your busy schedule!!
Luckily, I’ve dated/had sex with almost every grown man on earth, so I can literally speak for anyone who might be reading!!
So, ladies, here is what you should be looking for in your man (Gentlemen, take note!):
1. When you’re feeling nauseous, he holds your hair and encourages you to vomit on him and not in the toilet
If he wants to be drenched in your essence and comfort you at the same time, he’s definitely a keeper.
2. He’s super attracted to your pheromones even though you literally just shoved a dead rat up your vagina
Okay, maybe it was a dead mouse, but whatever. If you have a dead animal up your snatch and he still says he’s attracted to you, hang on to him, he’s got to be a good catch!
3. He tells you you’re beautiful even though your makeup sucks and you’re wearing that hideous pair of sweatpants that his super hot ex-girlfriend left behind when she dumped him
Okay, so his ex may have left a few too many broken pieces for you to glue back together, but at least he doesn’t admit that they looked better on her, right?
4. Whenever you’re apart, he doesn’t just send you pictures of his own penis, but of all of his friends’ dicks as well.
If your boyfriend is going to be your future hubby, he should already be sending you a minimum of five dick pics per day and only one of them should be of his penis, which is just enough to make sure you don’t forget how much he cares about you.
5. He makes sure his foreskin is cut (or not cut) just the way you like it.
If he’s got a foreskin but you prefer it sans, he should immediately conduct a search for the nearest scalpel (or medical professional).
If he’s uncircumcised, no problem; if your guy really is a keeper, he’ll gladly perform a skin graft on himself. Hopefully, he keeps a spare foreskin stashed in his sock drawer with his needle and thread.
Extra points:
- He lets you hold the scalpel
6. You don’t need to take birth control because his sperm count is abnormally low.
Extra points:
- He’s a genius chemist and he injects a homemade contraceptive serum into his thigh every night before he goes to bed.
7. He might be more in love with your period than with you
He loves your period so much that he begs you to let him insert your tampons for you.
Extra points:
- His favorite brand is O.B., but when push comes to shove he’s still better at using a cardboard applicator than you are!
