Are you sick of growing the same flowers in your garden every year? Maybe your freezer is overflowing with…
Are you sick of growing the same flowers in your garden every year? Maybe your freezer is overflowing with severed limbs and you need to free up some space but you don’t want any of your precious cuttings to go to waste. Whatever your problem, if you want to turn your stash of severed limbs into plants that make your garden stand out from all the others, we will help you do so with blooming success.
First thing first: Materials
2 x sharp shears
Frozen severed limbs, but nothing too big; this article is about flowers, not trees.
2-3 seeds per body part
A shovel if you’re growing in the ground, or a pot that’s large enough to accommodate your severed limbs
Next up: Preparation
Assuming you’ve already severed all the limbs you’ll need, the process of propagating body parts is super quick and easy.
The first thing you need to decide is the type of flower you want to combine with your severed limb. Roses are a great option because you can sow the seeds year round, but you can do this with pretty much any type of perennial.
When you select the limbs you want to use, keep in mind that it’s really helpful to have some bone tissue protruding from it.
NOTE: ONLY DO THIS IF THERE IS NO RAIN IN THE FORECAST FOR THE NEXT 48 HOURS!! Otherwise, you will have to deal with looooooads of decaying flesh! Who wants that!?
The Propagation Process
Step 1: Prepare Limbs
Take the severed limbs out of the freezer. If you’re using fingers or toes, I definitely recommend painting the nails in a shade that complements the color of the flower you’re planting it with. When I plant my toe roses, I like to give the toes a nice French-style pedicure because it looks really nice and clean.
Step 2: Prepare Soil
If you’re growing in the ground, use your shovel dig a hole for each of the body parts while you wait for them to thaw. The holes should be just deep enough to accommodate the limbs.
If you are using a planter, fill it with fast-draining soil while you wait for the limbs to thaw; use one part potting soil, one part perlite.
Step 3: Put the Seed in the Limb
When your limbs are about 20% thawed out, stick a seed right up the center of the bone, about 2 centimeters deep.
Step 4: Sow the Limb with Seed
Stuff it in the ground or in your pot, and sprinkle some soil on it.
Step 5: Wait & Water
Wait a day or two to water it.
In a few weeks, you will have the most gorgeous and coveted garden on the block! You’re welcome!
There comes a time in any relationship where, if you want to keep things going, you have to start considering creative ways to ensure your partner stays interested in you. And sadly, everything you read about the matter on the internet is completely overused and, if you follow the standard advice, your guy will see right through it because it’s all been done before.
That’s why our journalists have been hard at work for months searching for solutions to this predicament – and we’ve finally done enough research to share five new and refreshing ways to keep your heterosexual boyfriend of six months to one year interested in you.
All of these steps have been scientifically proven to make your boyfriend more interested in you – and possibly even want to marry you. And they are so easy, so there’s no reason not to try all of them out!
1. Three words: Essential Oyster Fragrances
I am not even getting paid by Eau de Toilette d’Huître – this stuff is so powerful that if you use it, you might not even need to follow any of the remaining other tips!
It’s made from 99% oyster urine, which, as we all know, is a really rich aphrodisiac. Your guy – and all the other guys in the vicinity – won’t be able to resist you. And it’s only $340 per bottle! That’s nothing compared to, let’s say, a boob job or a lobotomy.
Note: Generic brands are available, but they use lower-quality oyster urine (some even use clam urine instead – yuck!), so the extra money is totally worth it.
2. Keep a stash of Doritos in your lingerie
If there’s one thing men love, it’s Doritos, so when a woman stuffs a bunch of them in her lingerie, it’s impossible for him to forget about her.
Keep them in there for as long as possible – experts say the longer you let Doritos fester in your lingerie, the more you’ll get your guy’s juices flowing. That’s because getting the Doritos a bit sweaty will make you smell more like fake cheese, and dudes love that, especially if it’s all over the most intimate parts of your body that only he gets to see!
3. Let him believe he’s the one who brought crabs into your sex life
If you don’t have crabs already, you’re going to need to get some. But wait until after you have sex and transfer them to his pubes before you tell him you have crabs. Otherwise, game over.
After you’ve transferred them to him and you can see him scratching, or he verbally tells you he is irritated and itchy below the belt, that’s when you tell him you noticed a crab. Whether you tell him you noticed a crab on yourself, or on him, that’s up to you, but make it sexy!
Get some crab shampoo, and when you’re in the midst of your erotic medicated lather, let him know what a strong, brave, and desirable man he must be considering the burly size of the fierce crabs he gave you.
4. Clog his toilet with mini footballs
Since your boyfriend lays awake at night wondering if your bowel movements are like his, this is a wonderful way to surprise and impress him.
First, buy some mini footballs and inject them with lead to make them sink when you drop them in the toilet. Head over to your boyf’s place with a few footballs stuffed in your bra, and tell him you need the bathroom.
Stay in his bathroom for about 10 minutes and drop the footballs from seat level every ten to 30 seconds; add a bit of toilet paper, and flush. When the toilet starts overflowing, that’s your cue to find your BF and act mortified like, “Oh my god, I just clogged your toilet with my shit, IDK what to do!?”
Your cry of distress help will make him feel super handy, and, of course, he’ll be over the moon when he finds out that you shit footballs.
5. Splash your hair with a bit of engine oil
This one is so obvious that it’s surprising it hasn’t been featured in Glamour or Marie Claire – yet. Experts say that if you really want your boyfriend to stay interested in you, it’s time for you to ditch your coconut and argan oil for some mineral car engine oil.
Basically, engine oil is a natural lubricant that detangles and adds shine to any type of hair – and dudes go crazy for this shit. Whether it’s the smell or the texture – I don’t know – nobody does – but there is something magical about it that just makes men so interested.
But if you really want to impress your boyfriend, ask to use his! That way, you can show him that you know what engine oil is, and that will really impress him, but he’ll also be super flattered that you want to use his engine oil because he spent a lot of time deciding on which one to get!
Note: Synthetic and semi-synthetic oils won’t hurt, but it’s always better to opt for mineral whenever you have the option (that rule applies to any type of beauty product).
Congratulations! The five steps I just gave you are GUARANTEED to make your heterosexual boyfriend stay interested in you for months to come. In fact, if you’re really dedicated, he might even put a ring on your finger by the end of the month because he won’t be able to stay away from you!
Okay, let’s be honest. The world is crawling with so many guys that it’s almost impossible to distinguish the keepers from the duds. You can try finding the right guy through trial and error, or you can read about how to find the best partner by looking it up online, but you only have so much free time in your busy schedule!!
Luckily, I’ve dated/had sex with almost every grown man on earth, so I can literally speak for anyone who might be reading!!
So, ladies, here is what you should be looking for in your man (Gentlemen, take note!):
1. When you’re feeling nauseous, he holds your hair and encourages you to vomit on him and not in the toilet
If he wants to be drenched in your essence and comfort you at the same time, he’s definitely a keeper.
2. He’s super attracted to your pheromones even though you literally just shoved a dead rat up your vagina
Okay, maybe it was a dead mouse, but whatever. If you have a dead animal up your snatch and he still says he’s attracted to you, hang on to him, he’s got to be a good catch!
3. He tells you you’re beautiful even though your makeup sucks and you’re wearing that hideous pair of sweatpants that his super hot ex-girlfriend left behind when she dumped him
Okay, so his ex may have left a few too many broken pieces for you to glue back together, but at least he doesn’t admit that they looked better on her, right?
4. Whenever you’re apart, he doesn’t just send you pictures of his own penis, but of all of his friends’ dicks as well.
If your boyfriend is going to be your future hubby, he should already be sending you a minimum of five dick pics per day and only one of them should be of his penis, which is just enough to make sure you don’t forget how much he cares about you.
5. He makes sure his foreskin is cut (or not cut) just the way you like it.
If he’s got a foreskin but you prefer it sans, he should immediately conduct a search for the nearest scalpel (or medical professional).
If he’s uncircumcised, no problem; if your guy really is a keeper, he’ll gladly perform a skin graft on himself. Hopefully, he keeps a spare foreskin stashed in his sock drawer with his needle and thread.
He lets you hold the scalpel
6. You don’t need to take birth control because his sperm count is abnormally low.
He’s a genius chemist and he injects a homemade contraceptive serum into his thigh every night before he goes to bed.
7. He might be more in love with your period than with you
He loves your period so much that he begs you to let him insert your tampons for you.
His favorite brand is O.B., but when push comes to shove he’s still better at using a cardboard applicator than you are!
Sage Parlancer is the envy of her third-grade classroom; she has saved enough swear jar money to afford her entire future college tuition, and possibly her retirement. Her excellent vocabulary and money-saving skills have already gotten her accepted into three Ivy League schools.
“I’ve been passionate about profanities since I was about three years old,” Sage recalls. According to Sage, it all started one morning when she witnessed her father stub his toe while making breakfast. “He was so angry! He was like, ‘F@%* S#%! C#@!,’ and I was just thinking, ‘wow, what a wonderful avenue for self-expression.’ When my mom found out about what happened, she got so angry that she started cursing as well. It was amazing. I’ve loved swearing ever since.”
Sage’s parents, Fretta and Frank Parlancer, used to lay awake with sweaty, pounding hearts as they thought about the drug-addicted prostitute they were certain their daughter would become. “It was about two months after her fourth birthday when we realized we needed to do something to stop her. We tried washing her mouth out with soap, but that didn’t work, so we did some Googling and decided that a swear jar would be the best way to teach her some manners.”
A True Polyglot
The swear jar only inspired Sage to take her love for dirty words to a new extreme: “By the time I was five, I had learned the entire French language just because I thought I was cursing,” Sage remembers.
Sage’s exploration of the French language (combined with her naturally romantic disposition) motivated her to curse in Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, and Romanian, as well as in German, Swedish, Russian, Swahili, Amharic, Arabic, Hebrew, Urdu, Farsi, Hindi, Nepali, Japanese, Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese, and Klingon.
By the time Sage turned six, the Parlancers had an entire five-tier bookshelf lined with swear jars and piggy banks, each designated for their respective swear word. “It got to the point where we were scared she was going to become a prostitute AND that we would go into debt trying to make sure she had enough coins to put in her swear jar,” Frank remembers.
But after news got out about Sage’s impressive savings, it became clear that Sage’s parents no longer needed to worry because their darling eight-year-old already had a promising future ahead of her.
Now, the only thing Sage and her parents have to think about is which Ivy League school she will attend in the fall of 2028 as she’s already been offered positions at Columbia, Harvard, and Yale.
Sage, you are an inspiration. Keep up the good work!
Fairfax, Virginia – The NRA has announced plans to arm qualified women with vaginal assault rifles to “protect against rape.” The CB-69 Vaginal Assault Rifle targets male urethras with tiny hot pellets. The NRA has said they don’t want to protect women from rape, but that that maintaining relevance in the eyes of Congress is the critical matter here. Oh, and your family’s safety, of course.
“If this is the only way for us to stay relevant, so be it.”
If you thought firearm technology had advanced since the founding fathers drafted the Second Amendment, just wait until you see this bad boy.
The CB-69 is not only the most compact firearm in existence to date; the product is also eco-friendly. The vaginal assault rifle comes equipped with ten reusable mini pellets “to take care of your attacker and the environment,” and a silicone applicator “to ensure you can get it up there all nice and snug,” said Ms. Loesch. “This is the best way, the safest way, for women to protect themselves against rape and save the environment while they’re at it; kill two birds with one stone, or whatever.”
The news has sparked speculation over whether the NRA is making a desperate attempt to appeal to anti-gun Democrats and supporters of Planned Parenthood. The NRA has said that, yes, this weapon can be inserted upside down to shoot pellets at an embryo through the cervix, but claim to have taken measures to reduce the potential number of abortion incidents by adhering several warning labels on the packaging.
Pregnant women, for one, are not qualified to use this weapon. However, the NRA says that they will “turn a blind eye” if pregnant women do use the CB-69 as an abortion tool. “Our reputation is of utmost importance,” said NRA Spokeswoman, Dana Loesch. “If you give yourself an abortion with the CB-69, that’s really fucked up, but we will continue defending your right to choose.”
Furthermore, menstruating women are not allowed to use the CB-69. “Menstruating women are too irrational, and the chances of them getting raped are pretty slim anyway,” said Ms. Loesch. In general, “hysterical” women will be denied access to these weapons. “We don’t want a bunch of trigger-happy crazies putting this in their birth canals,” Ms. Loesch added.
The guns are for internal, feminine use only. “Putting it in your anus would be a crime against nature.”
If the lobby is successful, you will be able to buy your own CB-69 Vaginal Assault Rifle at your local gun shop. They will also be available at chains such as Dick’s Sporting Goods, Walmart, and Amazon.
Local authorities are pleased to announce that, though “traumatizing” and “pretty gross,” the bloodbath found in a public ladies’ restroom was not caused by a transgender murderer but rather a slightly embarrassed cis woman who spilled her Mooncup contents on the floor. The accident has several male lawmakers debating whether or not the insertion and removal of menstrual cups should be legal in ladies’ restrooms.
Though the culprit has come forward to confess, she refuses to apologize, claiming that she “couldn’t help it,” and “didn’t have time to clean it up.”
The news has sparked concern among male legislators in Washington who worry that the benefits of menstrual cups do not outweigh the drawbacks. Now, the male lawmakers are considering implementing a law that bans the insertion and removal of Mooncups in public ladies’ bathrooms.
“My wife and daughters shouldn’t have to risk seeing pools of blood every time they use a restroom. It’s disgusting, and it’s unnatural,” said Female Anatomy Expert/R-Senator, Marco Rubio, before vehemently denying that he or anyone in his family has ever had a period.
Others argue that periods are very natural and that women who use Mooncups should be applauded for utilizing eco-friendly period collection methods. To protest, they urge women to send their used sanitary products to the following address:
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW,
Washington, DC 20500
Los Angeles, C.A. –Tinkerbell Howley, a Labrador from the suburbs of Los Angeles, wanted to show the world how much harassment she endures while trying to walk anonymously with her owner in the street, so she went on a walk with a GoPro on her back. She plans to make a compilation film of a year’s worth of GoPro footage.
The doggy cam footage to date shows random passersby shoving their hands in front of her nose. Whether she expressed interest or not, the harassers would then move to rubbing her ears, neck, and armpits. Some people even gave her kisses, “as if I want your mouth all over me.” Tinkerbell cringes as she replays the footage.
“Aw, she’s irresistible. I was giving her a compliment,” says Gerald Corrola, a fellow resident of Tink’s neighborhood. “If I had known she didn’t like it, I would have stopped bother-”
Gerald then lost his train of thought when he noticed a young woman on the opposite sidewalk. “Hey, sexy!” he called out to her. She ignored him. “Hey, didn’t your mom teach you to say thank you?” He shouted. “Fuck off,” she clarified. “Hey, fuck you, you ugly piece of ass!” he yelled back to her.
Bitches these days…
As a puppy, Tinkerbell Howley loved going outside. But her affinity for the outdoors diminished to dread when she became aware of how many entitled humans felt entitled to encroach on her personal space.
“They would click, squeal, gawk, and whistle at me from all directions,” says Tink. “I tried to ignore them, but I have really sensitive ears.”
The more it happened, Tink says, the angrier she became. She tried telling the strangers to go away. If she barked, her owner would yell at her. If she simply ignored the harassment, it would only intensify.
In turn, her resentment escalated into a fear of the outdoors. “She would hide her nose in a pile of pillows every time I mentioned the words ‘leash’ or ‘walk,'” recalls her owner, Mark Howley.
“It’s because you’re too cute, Tink,” Mark would try to comfort her. His reaction exasperated Tink’s frustration. According to Tink, Mark even blamed her for the harassment, citing her wagging tail as the provoker. “I can’t help wagging my fucking tail, it’s just how canine anatomy works,” she snarks at the memory.
Tinkerbell concocted a plan. “The next time Mark touched the leash, I retrieved his GoPro from the cupboard and dropped it on the floor next to his feet.” Mark thought the concept of a doggy-cam video sounded like a “cool idea” and complied.
An Instagram foodie’s follower count has plummetted after she accidentally followed a cannibal in an attempt to gain more followers.
After spending hours of her boring Sunday shift at Smoothie King participating in like-for-like, comment-for-comment, and follow-for-follow campaigns on Instagram, foodie Sue Dickinson (@Desperate4taste) realized too late that she had accidentally liked, praised, and followed one or more of Instagram’s cannibals.
The cannibal has only shared two images so far, and Desperate4taste commented on and liked both of them.
Dickinson alleges she was scrolling through “all of the like-minded foodies” on Instagram, using hashtags such as “#meatlover,” “#getinmybelly,” “#foodporn,” and “#cookingfresh”, and blindly interacting with every photo and user she encountered. Somewhere along the way, she happened to express her deep appreciation to Can_nibble, an anonymous Instagram cannibal.
Dickinson claims she does not recall liking, following, or sending comments to Can_nibble, but her followers sure do. “I opened Instagram and saw that Desperate4taste had sent a deluge of emojis to Can_Nibble. When I clicked on Can_nibble’s profile to see learn more about them, the first thing I noticed was that their bio said ‘Nothing better than a bit of freshly cooked human flesh. #Cannibalism.’ When I scrolled down, I saw loads of pictures that were just inarguably cannibalistic.”
The Pulp Press attempted to reach out to Can_nibble, who is apparently a fugitive and unwilling to comment. However, the account is still active, and Instagram foodies from all walks of life continue to like Can_nibble’s photos.
Sue Dickinson was not the only foodie to praise Can_nibble’s account, but she is the only one who has given a statement (not that anyone cares). Dickinson is set to take an indefinite hiatus from social media.