How To Turn Your Stash Of Severed Limbs Into Beautiful Flowers This Summer

Are you sick of growing the same flowers in your garden every year? Maybe your freezer is overflowing with…

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Are you sick of growing the same flowers in your garden every year? Maybe your freezer is overflowing with severed limbs and you need to free up some space but you don’t want any of your precious cuttings to go to waste. Whatever your problem, if you want to turn your stash of severed limbs into plants that make your garden stand out from all the others, we will help you do so with blooming success. 

First thing first: Materials

  • 2 x sharp shears
  • Frozen severed limbs, but nothing too big; this article is about flowers, not trees.
  • 2-3 seeds per body part
  • A shovel if you’re growing in the ground, or a pot that’s large enough to accommodate your severed limbs
  • Well-draining soil

Next up: Preparation

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Assuming you’ve already severed all the limbs you’ll need, the process of propagating body parts is super quick and easy.

The first thing you need to decide is the type of flower you want to combine with your severed limb. Roses are a great option because you can sow the seeds year round, but you can do this with pretty much any type of perennial.

When you select the limbs you want to use, keep in mind that it’s really helpful to have some bone tissue protruding from it.

NOTE: ONLY DO THIS IF THERE IS NO RAIN IN THE FORECAST FOR THE NEXT 48 HOURS!! Otherwise, you will have to deal with looooooads of decaying flesh! Who wants that!?

The Propagation Process

Step 1: Prepare Limbs

Take the severed limbs out of the freezer. If you’re using fingers or toes, I definitely recommend painting the nails in a shade that complements the color of the flower you’re planting it with. When I plant my toe roses, I like to give the toes a nice French-style pedicure because it looks really nice and clean.

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Step 2: Prepare Soil

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If you’re growing in the ground, use your shovel dig a hole for each of the body parts while you wait for them to thaw. The holes should be just deep enough to accommodate the limbs.

If you are using a planter, fill it with fast-draining soil while you wait for the limbs to thaw; use one part potting soil, one part perlite.

Step 3: Put the Seed in the Limb

When your limbs are about 20% thawed out, stick a seed right up the center of the bone, about 2 centimeters deep.

Step 4: Sow the Limb with Seed

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Stuff it in the ground or in your pot, and sprinkle some soil on it.

Step 5: Wait & Water

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Wait a day or two to water it.

THAT’S IT!

In a few weeks, you will have the most gorgeous and coveted garden on the block! You’re welcome!

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Should You Be Offended If A Dog Doesn’t Sniff Your Crotch? Experts Say “Duh” – Here’s How You Can Redeem Yourself

Should You Be Offended If A Dog Doesn't Sniff Your Crotch? Experts say 'Duh.'

Oh, doggies! They are our best friends; we love them, and they love us, too. With that said, things can get a bit awkward sometimes, especially when it comes to the tradition of crotch-sniffing (or lack thereof).

Lots of humans don’t realize this, but when a dog walks away from an opportunity to sniff your crotch, that’s their way of telling you that you’re super boring down there. And even fewer humans realize that dogs are actually trying to ostracize you when they don’t smell your crotch.

We reached out to dog-whispering veterinarian Dr. Klein to find out just how offended you should be if a dog doesn’t sniff your crotch, and her answer was honestly pretty brutal. But luckily, she also gave us some really great advice so you never have to be offended by a dog ignoring your crotch scent again!

“It’s basically the canine way of saying, ‘You really need to spice things up a bit down there.'”

According to dog-whispering veterinarian Dr. Klein, crotch-sniffing is a very important cultural custom for our canine pals. “When a dog sniffs your crotch, they are essentially scoping you out to see if your nethers smell interesting enough to be of use to them and their social circle,” She tells us. “When a dog doesn’t sniff your crotch – well, it’s basically the canine way of saying, ‘You really need to spice things up down there.'” Dr. Klein adds.

So, should you feel offended if a dog doesn’t sniff your crotch? The answer is brutal but simple: “Duh,” says Dr. Klein.

What can you do about it?

Fortunately, there are several ways to make your nether region smell more interesting, and dogs have really sensitive noses, so it doesn’t require a lot of effort. And it’s totally possible to make your crotch smell more interesting without spending any money, so that’s a plus!

1. Wear the same pair of unwashed underwear whenever you know you’ll see a dog

According to Dr. Klein, this is the most simple piece of advice to follow. “Just have that one pair of underwear that you only wear if you think you’ll encounter a dog, and never wash it.” The smell of your crotch will become more and more appealing each time you put them on.

2. Rub a juicy steak all over your groin

One way to make your crotch smell more interesting is to rub a juicy steak on your groin for about 15 to 20 minutes every day.

3. Stop using toilet paper

Okay, so your anus might get really itchy, but dogs adore the smell of shit, so it’s worth it. You might lose a few human friends, but at least every dog will be intrigued by you.

Most importantly, be confident in who you are

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Whether or not you try out Dr. Klein’s advice, one thing is certain: You need to be confident in yourself. A dog might think your crotch is boring, but that doesn’t mean that you are boring. In fact, you are probably really cool, and that dog doesn’t need to feel the same way for it to be true.

Everyone Is Getting Married And Having Kids. I Just Want To Spend The Rest Of My Life Alone, Masturbating In A Dank Basement.

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My friends are all getting married and having babies, and I’m happy for them. Really, I am – it’s great that they’re settling down and starting to establish their own families. But that’s not what I want for myself; I just want to spend the rest of my life in solitude, masturbating in a dank basement.

You might think I’m weird. That’s fine, I’m used to it; it’s been years since my friends first started telling me they think I’m sexually deviant. But I’m comfortable with their judgments; I know they’re just jealous because their husbands can’t make them orgasm for shit.

I don’t need to find a man with a house because 75% of my friends are already homeowners, and most of them have cellars. Jessie’s basement, for example, has a constant temperature of about 55 degrees Fahrenheit with a significant level of ceiling condensation, which makes it fantastic for casual masturbation.

But if I want to engage in a passionate mènage á moi during warmer seasons, Laura’s house is perfect; there are no windows, and it’s not connected to the upstairs power supply so I can polish my pearl in pitch darkness. Her moist and impressively chilly basement is decked with dust and cobwebs to match her newly-wed vagina, but not mine – I get plenty of action.

There is no environment better-suited for masturbation than a dark, cold, humid basement. I don’t feel bad about not settling down and starting a family. When it comes to stimulating my clit, no man can compete with my skills; I’m damn good at making myself cum, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life in a dank basement doing just that.

People Think They’re Smarter Than Me, But I Know They’re Wrong Because I’ve Spent $600 On Internet IQ Tests

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I’ve always been the type of girl who stays away from smart people because I’m scared they’ll make me feel like a moron. But the thing is, they haven’t spent anywhere near as much time or money taking online IQ tests as I have, so they don’t even know if they’re intelligent or not.

Let me explain with an example. A colleague of mine once came over to my apartment and got excited when she noticed my stack of vintage National Geographic magazines on the coffee table. She picked up an issue from the late 60s with a picture of an astronaut on the cover, and she started talking about the story as if she had read it before.

But she clearly didn’t know shit because she accidentally called Lance Armstrong “Neil.” When I corrected her, she started laughing even though it was my fucking magazine she was reading.

After she left, I felt so insecure that I made a cup of coffee, popped a Ritalin, opened my browser, started a new IQ test, and paid $48 for it.

Before you ask; no, I don’t have the test questions memorized; I take a different test every time.

Yes, some of the tests might be kind of unreliable, but it’s easy to tell if you’ve been scammed because your test scores will be average or lower.

I got a score of 124 which is above average and also 10 points higher than my previous result. I felt secure and confident enough to invite my colleague over again because I knew that if she snubbed my intelligence, I could tell her that I have an above-average intelligence quotient.

I used my new and improved IQ score as leverage for a few weeks until I went out for drinks with a group of people who are super up-to-date with current events. After that, I went home and took another IQ test, this time for $51, and I got a score of 146. That’s right. I qualify for a Mensa membership even when I’m under the influence of alcohol!

Thanks to these online IQ tests and the $600 I’ve spent on them, I know that I don’t need to read those beautiful National Geographic magazines to learn stuff about the world. Hell, I don’t even need to be sober. I just need to tell my friends and coworkers that I qualify for Mensa and they’ll leave me the fuck alone.

Jennifer Feels So Much Better Now Because The Random Guy Who Just Tickled Her Nips Is Obviously Gay

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Jennifer almost lost her shit this afternoon when some random dude reached out of nowhere and playfully titillated her nips for a good few seconds before disappearing back into a crowd of people. “I looked at my friend Courtney like, ‘What the fuck? Who just did that?’ But Court didn’t see it happen, and I thought we’d never find out who did it. It was really scary, and I was about to get really pissed off.”

Fortunately, the man popped back out from the crowd and confessed to pinching Jennifer’s nipples before identifying himself as a gay male. “He was like, ‘Oh, don’t worry, honey. I mean, look at me – I’m as gay as a jay and not even attracted to you.’ I immediately felt relieved because, if he was a straight guy, that would have been sexual assault. But it’s always nice to have gay men pop out of nowhere and fondle my nipples.”

“Jennifer is probably the luckiest girl in the world,” friend Courtney chimes in. “That sense of relief she experienced when she found out the guy wasn’t even into her – I really thought that whoever did it was head over heels attracted to her. I’m super jealous of her good luck.”

This Woman Built A Second Home In Her Living Room 100% Out Of Amazon Boxes – The Results Are Amazing

Tired of Amazon boxes turning her minimalist lifestyle into an absolute cluster fuck, Sadie Jacobs turned them into a second home in her living room. The results prove that it’s totally possible to live the minimalist dream, even if your house is littered with packaging. You can take a mini-tour of her new pad in the slideshow at the bottom of the page. 

It often seems as though 21st Century minimalism is nothing more than an unattainable fantasy. You read all those blogs that make reduction seem so easy, but those people clearly have more time on their hands than you do. On the one hand, it’s great that companies like Amazon make it so easy to fit your excessive shopping needs into your busy schedule. On the other hand, when you do purchase all the necessary furniture, coffee table books, house plants, etcetera, you just end up with a junkyard of packaging in your living room.

Sadie Jacobs knew this pain all too well. “It got so bad that the recycling people just stopped coming by my house,” said Sadie, a recently-converted minimalist slash outside-the-box thinker. Luckily, Sadie came up with a more creative (and simple) idea than any she had seen on Pinterest. “I just decided, ‘hey, you know what? I’m just gonna make the most out of this mess and build a second minimalist home in my living room.'”

Her new home-within-a-home doesn’t have any plumbing or electricity, but that’s fine. “It’s really just so relieving to be able to escape from all of the complexities that exist outside of my Amazon boxes. It’s changed my life. I can’t recommend it enough!”

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DID YOU KNOW? Severed Hairs Suffer From Severe Separation Anxiety

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The next time you prepare for a hot date, think again before you remove your body hair: According to new research, your body hairs experience extreme sadness when you send them down the drain.

In a recent study, scientists observed the emotional reaction of body hairs after they being severed from the body. The results show that hairs do indeed experience emotional trauma after their removal.

“When you take [hairs] off your body, they have a lot of time to fester in your drain or floor or wherever,” said Doctor Friedrich Bosch, a Psychoanalyst at the Center For Keratin Studies and Psychoanalysis in Berlin. “Once your hairs are gone, you may very well forget about them, but that doesn’t mean that they forget about you. In fact, they spend years thinking about how much they miss you, wondering why they weren’t good enough for you,” Dr. Bosch told us.

With the help of several colleagues, Dr. Bosch has formed a coalition to increase global awareness of the trauma we subject our hairs to when we yank or shave them off our body. “Hairs are very clingy,” said Dr. Bosch. “When we remove them, they interpret it as a palpable message of disrespect and rejection.”

But there is some good news; the hairs’ despair doesn’t last for very long. Since hairs are so clingy, they will find a new host in no time, and many hairs make a traditional pilgrimage to mingle with dishes in the kitchen sink.