DID YOU KNOW? Severed Hairs Suffer From Severe Separation Anxiety

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The next time you prepare for a hot date, think again before you remove your body hair: According to new research, your body hairs experience extreme sadness when you send them down the drain.

In a recent study, scientists observed the emotional reaction of body hairs after they being severed from the body. The results show that hairs do indeed experience emotional trauma after their removal.

“When you take [hairs] off your body, they have a lot of time to fester in your drain or floor or wherever,” said Doctor Friedrich Bosch, a Psychoanalyst at the Center For Keratin Studies and Psychoanalysis in Berlin. “Once your hairs are gone, you may very well forget about them, but that doesn’t mean that they forget about you. In fact, they spend years thinking about how much they miss you, wondering why they weren’t good enough for you,” Dr. Bosch told us.

With the help of several colleagues, Dr. Bosch has formed a coalition to increase global awareness of the trauma we subject our hairs to when we yank or shave them off our body. “Hairs are very clingy,” said Dr. Bosch. “When we remove them, they interpret it as a palpable message of disrespect and rejection.”

But there is some good news; the hairs’ despair doesn’t last for very long. Since hairs are so clingy, they will find a new host in no time, and many hairs make a traditional pilgrimage to mingle with dishes in the kitchen sink.

Is Lobotomy The New Rhinoplasty? Experts Say Yes!

Lobotomy Is The New Rhinoplasty

Health and beauty experts are now encouraging wealthy people with ugly physical features and low self-esteem to opt for brain reduction surgery instead of cosmetic procedures.

Everyone has at least one undesirable trait, and many people have several. That’s why wealthy, self-loathing Americans pump billions of dollars into cosmetic surgery every year.

But health and beauty experts now suggest an alternative treatment for ugliness: Lobotomies.

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“Thanks to The Pulp Press, I was able to get a lobotomy before it was too late!” – Beth-Anne Ridley

“Cosmetic surgery is a very superficial answer to a deep, neuropsychological problem,” said Dr. Sandra Jefferson, a neurosurgeon at Johns Hopkins University Hospital, citing that most people look worse after getting a facelift.

This nuanced theory stems from the ancient idea that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. According to Dr. Jefferson, nobody is negatively affected by exposure to an ugly face more than the person who is wearing it.

In fact, “having ugly friends usually makes us feel better about ourselves, but people are too vain to realize that so they get plastic surgery in a frivolous attempt to please their peers.”

Dr. Jefferson is collaborating with smart people from around the globe to establish the world’s first-ever neurocosmetics department.

“Nobody gets just one cosmetic procedure. They may come in initially just hating their nose, but they don’t stop hating their face so they come back in a month later for a facelift. A lobotomy is definitely the most efficient way to stop hating your body,” said Dr. Jared Smarther, a cosmetic surgeon from Dallas, Texas.

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Should Donatella Versace have had a lobotomy from the get-go? Experts say yes.

All the experts we spoke to recommend getting a lobotomy before wasting time and money on superfluous surgical procedures.

What are you waiting for? Get a lobotomy and you’ll instantly be smarter and prettier.