Everyone Is Getting Married And Having Kids. I Just Want To Spend The Rest Of My Life Alone, Masturbating In A Dank Basement.

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My friends are all getting married and having babies, and I’m happy for them. Really, I am – it’s great that they’re settling down and starting to establish their own families. But that’s not what I want for myself; I just want to spend the rest of my life in solitude, masturbating in a dank basement.

You might think I’m weird. That’s fine, I’m used to it; it’s been years since my friends first started telling me they think I’m sexually deviant. But I’m comfortable with their judgments; I know they’re just jealous because their husbands can’t make them orgasm for shit.

I don’t need to find a man with a house because 75% of my friends are already homeowners, and most of them have cellars. Jessie’s basement, for example, has a constant temperature of about 55 degrees Fahrenheit with a significant level of ceiling condensation, which makes it fantastic for casual masturbation.

But if I want to engage in a passionate mènage á moi during warmer seasons, Laura’s house is perfect; there are no windows, and it’s not connected to the upstairs power supply so I can polish my pearl in pitch darkness. Her moist and impressively chilly basement is decked with dust and cobwebs to match her newly-wed vagina, but not mine – I get plenty of action.

There is no environment better-suited for masturbation than a dark, cold, humid basement. I don’t feel bad about not settling down and starting a family. When it comes to stimulating my clit, no man can compete with my skills; I’m damn good at making myself cum, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life in a dank basement doing just that.

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People Think They’re Smarter Than Me, But I Know They’re Wrong Because I’ve Spent $600 On Internet IQ Tests

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I’ve always been the type of girl who stays away from smart people because I’m scared they’ll make me feel like a moron. But the thing is, they haven’t spent anywhere near as much time or money taking online IQ tests as I have, so they don’t even know if they’re intelligent or not.

Let me explain with an example. A colleague of mine once came over to my apartment and got excited when she noticed my stack of vintage National Geographic magazines on the coffee table. She picked up an issue from the late 60s with a picture of an astronaut on the cover, and she started talking about the story as if she had read it before.

But she clearly didn’t know shit because she accidentally called Lance Armstrong “Neil.” When I corrected her, she started laughing even though it was my fucking magazine she was reading.

After she left, I felt so insecure that I made a cup of coffee, popped a Ritalin, opened my browser, started a new IQ test, and paid $48 for it.

Before you ask; no, I don’t have the test questions memorized; I take a different test every time.

Yes, some of the tests might be kind of unreliable, but it’s easy to tell if you’ve been scammed because your test scores will be average or lower.

I got a score of 124 which is above average and also 10 points higher than my previous result. I felt secure and confident enough to invite my colleague over again because I knew that if she snubbed my intelligence, I could tell her that I have an above-average intelligence quotient.

I used my new and improved IQ score as leverage for a few weeks until I went out for drinks with a group of people who are super up-to-date with current events. After that, I went home and took another IQ test, this time for $51, and I got a score of 146. That’s right. I qualify for a Mensa membership even when I’m under the influence of alcohol!

Thanks to these online IQ tests and the $600 I’ve spent on them, I know that I don’t need to read those beautiful National Geographic magazines to learn stuff about the world. Hell, I don’t even need to be sober. I just need to tell my friends and coworkers that I qualify for Mensa and they’ll leave me the fuck alone.