Instagram Foodie Loses Influence After Blindly Following A Cannibal

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An Instagram foodie’s follower count has plummetted after she accidentally followed a cannibal in an attempt to gain more followers.

After spending hours of her boring Sunday shift at Smoothie King participating in like-for-like, comment-for-comment, and follow-for-follow campaigns on Instagram, foodie Sue Dickinson (@Desperate4taste) realized too late that she had accidentally liked, praised, and followed one or more of Instagram’s cannibals.

The cannibal has only shared two images so far, and Desperate4taste commented on and liked both of them.

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Desperate4taste expresses praise to Instagram cannibal with several emojis

Dickinson alleges she was scrolling through “all of the like-minded foodies” on Instagram, using hashtags such as “#meatlover,” “#getinmybelly,” “#foodporn,” and “#cookingfresh”, and blindly interacting with every photo and user she encountered. Somewhere along the way, she happened to express her deep appreciation to Can_nibble, an anonymous Instagram cannibal.

Dickinson claims she does not recall liking, following, or sending comments to Can_nibble, but her followers sure do. “I opened Instagram and saw that Desperate4taste had sent a deluge of emojis to Can_Nibble. When I clicked on Can_nibble’s profile to see learn more about them, the first thing I noticed was that their bio said ‘Nothing better than a bit of freshly cooked human flesh. #Cannibalism.’ When I scrolled down, I saw loads of pictures that were just inarguably cannibalistic.”

Can_Nibble Instagram profile
Can_nibble’s Instagram page has no profile picture, and the bio reads: “Flesh Fries…Nothing better than a bit of freshly cooked human flesh! #cannibalism”

The Pulp Press attempted to reach out to Can_nibble, who is apparently a fugitive and unwilling to comment. However, the account is still active, and Instagram foodies from all walks of life continue to like Can_nibble’s photos.

Sue Dickinson was not the only foodie to praise Can_nibble’s account, but she is the only one who has given a statement (not that anyone cares). Dickinson is set to take an indefinite hiatus from social media.

The Pulp Press:

 

Cigarette Sales Boom After News Breaks That Vaping Causes Cancer

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New York, New York – When news broke of a possible link between vaping, cancer, and heart disease, nicotine-addicted hipsters wasted no time; they all immediately headed to their nearest corner shop to buy a fresh pack of cigs.

“If vaping causes cancer, I might as well start smoking cigarettes,” said Dan Slick, a confused hipster whose nicotine dependence started with a vape pen. “I mean, I won’t get the same clouds with [cigarettes], but at least I’ll be able to achieve the Monroe-Hepburn aesthetic,” he added.

Hipsters aren’t the only ones who are positively impacted by the new data. “This is fantastic news,” a tobacco lobbyist declared. “We’ve been trying to warn the public about the risks of vaping since it was first introduced to the market, and now, we finally have some scientific data to back up our claims.”

Smokers who never attempted to replace their analog cigarettes for electronic ones also feel vindicated. “I told you so,” said one smoker who laughed smugly at the news.

Indeed, it is appaent that smoking traditional cigarettes is the way to go.

 

This Instagram Cat Just Sold A Vintage Homemade Hairball Keychain For $3,000

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New York, NY – In a stroke of creative genius, Instagram cat Oscar “du Fluff” Harris managed to make a key ring from his crusty, aged hairballs and sell it for $3,000. It is now being used as a posh accessory to a Hermes bag.

When Oscar “du Fluff” Harris (@Oscar_duFluff) set up his Etsy account in late-January, he had no idea that his vintage hairball auction would bring in such revenue.

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The pompom is now attached to a Hermes bag.

Originally listed as $3.50, the hairball’s price increased nearly one hundred times in just seven days.

Oscar’s spokesperson told The Pulp Press that the resourceful feline had been storing the hairball for several years but had no idea the auction would be this successful.

“Oscar expected to make some money from his blog and social media sponsorships, but the success of this Etsy auction has been phenomenal.”

Now, Oscar can afford the luxurious lifestyle he loves living. “Oscar is an incredibly tenacious experience junky. Now, he can afford those hunting trips and catnip sessions without worrying about going into debt or becoming a criminal,” said Kitty Harris, Oscar’s owner.

Oscar’s next goal is to build an ottoman out of his coughed-up fluff, and he hopes the ottoman will reach 137 times the size of the keyring. The ottoman should be available by August this year, so start saving your money!