Third-Grader’s Swear Jar Proceeds Will Pay For Her Ivy League Education

Sage Parlancer is the envy of her third-grade classroom; she has saved enough swear jar money to afford her entire future college tuition, and possibly her retirement. Her excellent vocabulary and money-saving skills have already gotten her accepted into three Ivy League schools. 

“I’ve been passionate about profanities since I was about three years old,” Sage recalls. According to Sage, it all started one morning when she witnessed her father stub his toe while making breakfast. “He was so angry! He was like, ‘F@%* S#%! C#@!,’ and I was just thinking, ‘wow, what a wonderful avenue for self-expression.’ When my mom found out about what happened, she got so angry that she started cursing as well. It was amazing. I’ve loved swearing ever since.”

Sage’s parents, Fretta and Frank Parlancer, used to lay awake with sweaty, pounding hearts as they thought about the drug-addicted prostitute they were certain their daughter would become. “It was about two months after her fourth birthday when we realized we needed to do something to stop her. We tried washing her mouth out with soap, but that didn’t work, so we did some Googling and decided that a swear jar would be the best way to teach her some manners.”

A True Polyglot

The swear jar only inspired Sage to take her love for dirty words to a new extreme: “By the time I was five, I had learned the entire French language just because I thought I was cursing,” Sage remembers.

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Sage’s money banks line a five-tier shelf in her home.

Sage’s exploration of the French language (combined with her naturally romantic disposition) motivated her to curse in Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, and Romanian, as well as in German, Swedish, Russian, Swahili, Amharic, Arabic, Hebrew, Urdu, Farsi, Hindi, Nepali, Japanese, Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese, and Klingon.

By the time Sage turned six, the Parlancers had an entire five-tier bookshelf lined with swear jars and piggy banks, each designated for their respective swear word. “It got to the point where we were scared she was going to become a prostitute AND that we would go into debt trying to make sure she had enough coins to put in her swear jar,” Frank remembers.

But after news got out about Sage’s impressive savings, it became clear that Sage’s parents no longer needed to worry because their darling eight-year-old already had a promising future ahead of her.

Now, the only thing Sage and her parents have to think about is which Ivy League school she will attend in the fall of 2028 as she’s already been offered positions at Columbia, Harvard, and Yale.

Sage, you are an inspiration. Keep up the good work!

Suspected Murder Scene In Ladies’ Restroom “Just A Mooncup Mishap”

Mooncup

Local authorities are pleased to announce that, though “traumatizing” and “pretty gross,” the bloodbath found in a public ladies’ restroom was not caused by a transgender murderer but rather a slightly embarrassed cis woman who spilled her Mooncup contents on the floor. The accident has several male lawmakers debating whether or not the insertion and removal of menstrual cups should be legal in ladies’ restrooms.

Though the culprit has come forward to confess, she refuses to apologize, claiming that she “couldn’t help it,” and “didn’t have time to clean it up.”

The news has sparked concern among male legislators in Washington who worry that the benefits of menstrual cups do not outweigh the drawbacks. Now, the male lawmakers are considering implementing a law that bans the insertion and removal of Mooncups in public ladies’ bathrooms.

“My wife and daughters shouldn’t have to risk seeing pools of blood every time they use a restroom. It’s disgusting, and it’s unnatural,” said Female Anatomy Expert/R-Senator, Marco Rubio, before vehemently denying that he or anyone in his family has ever had a period.

Others argue that periods are very natural and that women who use Mooncups should be applauded for utilizing eco-friendly period collection methods. To protest, they urge women to send their used sanitary products to the following address:
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW,
Washington, DC 20500

Livid Bitch Finally Speaks Out Against Street Harassment

doggycam_WPLos Angeles, C.A. – Tinkerbell Howley, a Labrador from the suburbs of Los Angeles, wanted to show the world how much harassment she endures while trying to walk anonymously with her owner in the street, so she went on a walk with a GoPro on her back. She plans to make a compilation film of a year’s worth of GoPro footage.

The doggy cam footage to date shows random passersby shoving their hands in front of her nose.  Whether she expressed interest or not, the harassers would then move to rubbing her ears, neck, and armpits. Some people even gave her kisses, “as if I want your mouth all over me.” Tinkerbell cringes as she replays the footage.

“Aw, she’s irresistible. I was giving her a compliment,” says Gerald Corrola, a fellow resident of Tink’s neighborhood. “If I had known she didn’t like it, I would have stopped bother-”

Gerald then lost his train of thought when he noticed a young woman on the opposite sidewalk. “Hey, sexy!” he called out to her. She ignored him. “Hey, didn’t your mom teach you to say thank you?” He shouted. “Fuck off,” she clarified. “Hey, fuck you, you ugly piece of ass!” he yelled back to her.

Bitches these days…

As a puppy, Tinkerbell Howley loved going outside. But her affinity for the outdoors diminished to dread when she became aware of how many entitled humans felt entitled to encroach on her personal space.

“They would click, squeal, gawk, and whistle at me from all directions,” says Tink. “I tried to ignore them, but I have really sensitive ears.”

The more it happened, Tink says, the angrier she became. She tried telling the strangers to go away. If she barked, her owner would yell at her. If she simply ignored the harassment, it would only intensify.

In turn, her resentment escalated into a fear of the outdoors. “She would hide her nose in a pile of pillows every time I mentioned the words ‘leash’ or ‘walk,'” recalls her owner, Mark Howley.

“It’s because you’re too cute, Tink,” Mark would try to comfort her. His reaction exasperated Tink’s frustration. According to Tink, Mark even blamed her for the harassment, citing her wagging tail as the provoker. “I can’t help wagging my fucking tail, it’s just how canine anatomy works,” she snarks at the memory.

Tinkerbell concocted a plan. “The next time Mark touched the leash, I retrieved his GoPro from the cupboard and dropped it on the floor next to his feet.” Mark thought the concept of a doggy-cam video sounded like a “cool idea” and complied.

Single Hairs Get Ready To Mingle With Wet Dishes In The Kitchen Sink

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The Sink, Kitchen – A group of single hairs is making its way to the kitchen sink with hopes of wrapping themselves over and around various wet dishes, sponges, and, of course, each other – anyone they can cling to is a catch to fallen hairs.

There is a tacit understanding among the hair community that the kitchen sink is the best destination for new singles; in itself, the actual voyage to the kitchen is considered to be a traditional pilgrimage that can take up to several months to complete. And many hairs get lost along the way.

“If you’re lucky, you’ll fall out of your host’s head while they’re standing over the sink,” said one strand who fell onto a dirty dish in the dining room.”It’s all about falling out in the right place at the right time. I got pretty lucky,” the hair continued, “I just had to sit in that dirty bowl and wait to be taken to the sink. But my host is pretty messy, so it took like two weeks.”

Once they make it to the basin, the hairs get to mingle with wet and dirty dishes, sponges, and even the human hands that spend a great deal of time and energy trying to catch and dispose of the elusive hairs.

It’s very uncommon for hairs to go down the drain once they have made it to the basin. Their survival rate is so exceptional because they have mastered the art of clinginess. If a hair is long enough, it can be accommodated by several wet dishes at once, making it nearly impossible to pull the lovers away from each other.

It’s no secret that hairs experience separation anxiety once removed from their host. And now, we know that this applies even if the hairs fell out naturally. According to several sources, the separation trauma might explain the hairs’ tendency toward serial monogamy.

Impressionable Young Man Follows Dismissive-Avoidant Woman Off A Cliff

When a group of three couples planned a weekend getaway in the mountains, they made an altruistic yet fateful gesture of inviting a 7th and 8th wheel: Judy Pascal and Johnny Manori.

“Judy was my best friend, and she had been single for way too long,” said Sarah Hicks, the organizer of the trip. “She said she didn’t want a relationship and that she loved being independent, but I knew she was lying so I blackmailed her into coming.” Johnny was friends with the boys. They invited Johnny because they knew he would stop hanging out with them if he had a girlfriend.”

According to Ms. Hicks, the trip started out on a good note. “All of us couples were having a great time, and I thought [Judy and Johnny] were having a swell time too. Judy kept sprinting up ahead of us and smiling Johnny would waste no time to catch up with her. It looked like love at first sight.”catcalling2

Indeed, it appeared as though Judy and Johnny had a real connection. Johnny was already adopting her mannerisms, and he had a seemingly pre-existing passion for all of her interests. But hindsight is 20/20, and it is now clear that Judy was trying to escape from conversing with Johnny, who took it upon himself to stand guard when she relieved herself behind a tree within the first hour of knowing her.

“Once we set up our campsite on the cliff, Judy said she wanted to kill herself and take Johnny with her,” recalled Ms. Hicks.

Soon after, witnesses say that Judy lit a cigarette and walked towards the edge of a cliff to look at the beautiful foggy view by herself. “She just wanted some alone time,” said one witness.

But, within seconds, Johnny came to join her. “I could see her swelling with anger from really far away. She would do anything to get away from him, and he just kept following her, so that’s how they both died.”

Another Desperate Man Wonders Why He Never Gets Catcalled

Another desperate man wonders why he never gets catcalled

Washington, D.C. – A man’s confidence has plummeted due to the daily lack of unwanted attention he receives from women. Now, a “nimbus of self-doubt” hovers over Roger Belcher when he roams the public sphere, and it “pours anxiety” over him once the thought of stepping outside even enters his mind.

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Am I ugly? Am I boring? Am I not worthy of acknowledgment?” Roger asks himself these questions every day – and he’s not alone.

Man Cannot Understand Why He Never Gets Catcalled

As more awareness is brought to the matter of catcalling, an increasing number of men between the ages of 13 and 99 are feeling dehumanized by the realization that female passersby never make uninvited sexual comments about their bodies.

To ease the pain, experts suggest repeating phrases of self-love in the mirror every day before stepping outside to persuade themselves that they are worthy of female attention.

“If men convince themselves that they really are decent human beings, they will eventually feel more confident,” said Dr. Edith Cockburn, a psychiatrist at George Washington Universiy. According to Dr. Cockburn, even simple phrases such as “I look great today,” “I’m a shining star,” and “I am loveable,” will make a big difference.

Dog Trainers Urge Parents To Enroll Their Sons In Obedience School

In what appears to be another positive outcome of the #metoo movement, obedience schools around the United States are now welcoming boys and young men ages five and up into their dog training programs.

According to Wendell Gilmore, the head trainer at the Paws-Off Obedience School for Boys and Dogs (POOSBAD) in New York City, the new program sets out to teach the boys something that their schools and parents tend to ignore: boundaries.

“We go over the basics, like displaying good behavior without expecting a reward. We also teach them how to listen to a full command without interrupting, and to stop begging at the table no matter how good the food looks and smells,” Gilmore told me. An assistant trainer chimed in: “People say ‘boys will be boys’ like you can’t do anything to change it, but I’ve never heard anyone say ‘dogs will be dogs.’ Nope, we train our dogs and bitches to behave themselves, and we need to be giving boys that same attention.”

But some parents are concerned that the programs have a sexist undertone. “I wanted to send both of my snotty children to these training classes, but I was told that my daughter wasn’t welcome. This is just one more example of discrimination against wealthy mothers,” said one worried Upper East Side resident.

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Find out how POOSBAD helped turn Little Johnny Cutter into a man. 

Other parents disagree with this sentiment, citing that most girls already receive obedience training from their parents and teachers. “These programs are actually [SIC] anti-discrimination because they are providing an opportunity for our sons to be educated to the same standard as our dogs and daughters,” said Olivia Salamander. She also told me her son’s behavior has shown clear signs of improvement since enrolling in the obedience school and that “now, when he takes something to play with, he always brings it back.”

Sarah Jenkins sent her son to POOSBAD as soon as she got word of it. According to Mrs. Jenkins, her daughter was learning to slut-shame her friends at the age of five while her son, a twelve-year-old, was still insatiably fascinated with the baby sitter’s crotch. “Little Joey is a good boy now, and he’s only been to four training sessions. We have a lot of hope for him,” she said as she patted her pubescent boy on the head.