NRA Lobbies Congress To Arm Qualified Women With Vaginal Assault Rifles

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Dana Loesch poses with her new vaginal assault rifle.

Fairfax, Virginia – The NRA has announced plans to arm qualified women with vaginal assault rifles to “protect against rape.” The CB-69 Vaginal Assault Rifle targets male urethras with tiny hot pellets. The NRA has said they don’t want to protect women from rape, but that that maintaining relevance in the eyes of Congress is the critical matter here. Oh, and your family’s safety, of course.

“If this is the only way for us to stay relevant, so be it.”

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The CB-69 Vaginal Assault Rifle is “100% safer than anything else.”

If you thought firearm technology had advanced since the founding fathers drafted the Second Amendment, just wait until you see this bad boy.

The CB-69 is not only the most compact firearm in existence to date; the product is also eco-friendly. The vaginal assault rifle comes equipped with ten reusable mini pellets “to take care of your attacker and the environment,” and a silicone applicator “to ensure you can get it up there all nice and snug,” said Ms. Loesch. “This is the best way, the safest way, for women to protect themselves against rape and save the environment while they’re at it; kill two birds with one stone, or whatever.”

The news has sparked speculation over whether the NRA is making a desperate attempt to appeal to anti-gun Democrats and supporters of Planned Parenthood. The NRA has said that, yes, this weapon can be inserted upside down to shoot pellets at an embryo through the cervix, but claim to have taken measures to reduce the potential number of abortion incidents by adhering several warning labels on the packaging.

Pregnant women, for one, are not qualified to use this weapon. However, the NRA says that they will “turn a blind eye” if pregnant women do use the CB-69 as an abortion tool. “Our reputation is of utmost importance,” said NRA Spokeswoman, Dana Loesch. “If you give yourself an abortion with the CB-69, that’s really fucked up, but we will continue defending your right to choose.”

Furthermore, menstruating women are not allowed to use the CB-69. “Menstruating women are too irrational, and the chances of them getting raped are pretty slim anyway,” said Ms. Loesch.  In general, “hysterical” women will be denied access to these weapons. “We don’t want a bunch of trigger-happy crazies putting this in their birth canals,” Ms. Loesch added.

The guns are for internal, feminine use only. “Putting it in your anus would be a crime against nature.”

If the lobby is successful, you will be able to buy your own CB-69 Vaginal Assault Rifle at your local gun shop. They will also be available at chains such as Dick’s Sporting Goods, Walmart, and Amazon.

 

Right-Wing Organization Attempts To Teach Compassion To Liberals

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Liberal residents of the Washington, DC area have been receiving invitations to “Compassion Class,” a weekly workshop hosted by a group of Trump supporters. These workshops “aim to make liberals more understanding of people who are uneducated and irrational while white.”

However, many of the liberals who received these invitations have interpreted the workshops as an attack on morality. “They just want to brainwash us and make us as stupid and inhumane as they are. I mean, what are they going to do? Teach us how to f*** our 12-year-old cousin? God, these people are so backwards,” said a man wearing his t-shirt inside-out.

Samantha, a young woman who lives with her parents in the DC suburbs said, “What? They want to teach us how to be empathetic? That is craziness! They’re going to tell us we need to be compassionate and then tell us that political correctness and gender studies are ruining the”- (Samantha suddenly clutched her purse and walked away when she noticed two young black men on their lunch break walking in our direction).

According to Kenneth Myers, the leader of the workshop, the classes will help liberals gain a better understanding of the modern-day conservative thought process. “The fact that many [Trump supporters] ignore facts and hate the concept of equality doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and it doesn’t make us racist or sexist, either.”

“You see,” said Myers, “[liberals] need to understand that many [white men] will lose power if we create equality. We need them to understand that we don’t want to be deplorable, but our circumstances have made us see things in a different way. Our needs  – our hopes, our dreams, our lack thereof – are all valid. We just want liberals to understand that we want to cling on to our equality just as much as they want the homosexuals and women and non-whites to be equal.”

Kenneth Myers says he hopes to expand the classes to reach other left-leaning American cities. So far, no liberals have attended any of the three compassion classes held in the capital. But Kenneth Myers isn’t letting this bother him: “It’s okay, them not showing up just means I don’t have to be stuck in a room with a bunch of sissies.”

Terror Looms As Mike Pence Continues To Disrupt Fantasies Of Trump Impeachment

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If Mike Pence is interfering with your ability to fantasize about a Trump impeachment, you’re not alone. In fact, you are becoming less alone every day.

Thousands of men and women from around the country are holding Mike Pence responsible for preventing them from fantasizing about Donald Trump’s impeachment.

And the numbers of people experiencing the condition are only growing. As we enter the second year of the Trump era, and as the odds of his impeachment do indeed grow, more Americans report that Mike Pence is killing their dreams of a less stressful future.

One woman who suffers from this “Impeachment Boner-Killing Syndrome” (IBKS) told us, “There’s [SIC] at least five times a day that I start fantasizing about [Donald Trump’s] impeachment. I see the breaking news headlines and everything. But suddenly, Mike Pence’s face starts showing up everywhere and the short-lived pleasure reverts back to pain.”

Although many of those who suffer from IBKS are quick to blame Michael Pence for intruding their minds, experts say the condition is “simply an unfortunate side effect of the reality of the current political situation.”

Trump Opens Up About Low Self-Esteem In Emotional Interview

sadwindow_WP2We met with U.S. President Donald Trump to talk about his political accomplishments in 2017. But instead of engaging in an objective conversation about his political endeavors, Mr. Trump broke down in tears and vented about his struggle with depression. The Pulp Press reports.

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Mr. Trump fights his tears as our interview commences.

As soon as we asked our first question regarding his 2017 political accomplishments, the cocky and stoic Mr. Trump swiftly morphed into a tiny creature with red eyes, hunched shoulders, tight lips, and unusually expressive eyebrows.

In fact, Mr. Trump looked so sad that it would have been inhumane to ignore his emotional expression; we had no choice but to ask him what was wrong.

And it turns out – as far from the obvious as it is – that Mr. Trump suffers from abnormally low self-esteem due to various mood and personality disorders.

The Man Behind The Mask

“I feel sad every day,” said Mr. Trump as he reached for his handkerchief. “Nobody understands me. I feel very bad,” he wiped a drop of snot from his left nostril, “and nobody wants to help me. Nobody likes my ideas. I am such a loser!”

Donald Trump was diagnosed with depression during his first-ever psychiatric evaluation just after Donald Trump, Jr. was born when Ivana Trump (first wife) “pressured” him into seeking help from one of America’s leading mental health specialists.

But Mr. Trump did not appreciate the diagnosis and stormed out just before the evaluation was concluded. “They asked me if I feel insecure about my penis size, which is ridiculous – I have a huge penis. The only reason any woman has ever turned me down is because my [SIC] penis is too huge. My penis is huge and it is functional, and it’s ridiculous that anyone would ever think that I would be insecure about my penis size.”

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Mr. Trump explains that his low self-esteem has nothing to do with his penis size.

According to Mr. Trump, the few psychiatric appointments he has upheld have been cut short. “As soon as they mention anti-depressants, I’m out,” he told us, citing that he already treats his low self-esteem with “Botox, fake tan, hair plugs,” and Twitter rants.

Mr. Trump admits that his condition has an impact on his ability to lead the country by attracting more media coverage. “It keeps the global community interested in me, and that’s tremendously helpful,” he boasted.

Our interview was scheduled to last half an hour but ended just short of ten minutes when Mr. Trump’s emotions took over and prevented him from speaking.   Continue reading “Trump Opens Up About Low Self-Esteem In Emotional Interview”

Roy Moore Quotes Lolita In His Concession Speech

Roy Moore quotes Lolita in his concession speech… “And the rest is rust and stardust.” As a man who is better known for his way with children than his way with words, Roy Moore couldn’t have chosen a more appropriate quote to describe the future of his political career.

“And the rest is rust and stardust.”

Roy More: "And the rest is rust and stardust..."
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Roy Moore, known more for having his way with children than for having a way with words, paid homage to Vladimir Nabokov’s timeless and pedophilic classic, Lolita, in his concession speech.

“I hoped I would be able to put more accomplishments under my belt, but God has different plans, ‘and the rest is rust and stardust,'” he said in his “unexpected,” scrapped-together-at-the-last-minute, semi-plagiarized speech.

As it turns out, Mr. Moore could not have picked a better quote to describe the future of his political career or his reputation.