November 22-December 21

It’s time to come to terms with the fact that it’s not them; it’s you.

Sagittarius

Multiple failed marriages, No friends to speak of, the outcast of the workplace: It’s time to come to terms with the fact that it’s not them; it’s you.

That whole “Oh, I’m just a straight-talking-Sagittarius” shit just won’t cut it anymore. You need to re-evaluate your and come to terms with the fact that you’re flawed at the very core before it’s too late. 

December 22-January 19

It’s looking bleak. Do not trust the ones you love. Your numbers are 3..2..1

Capricorn

You be careful this week, Capricorn. You be really careful.

Maybe you’ve pissed someone off; maybe this is just it for you but the stars are blinking out one by one and your number’s almost up.

Lock yourself away, stay sharp, and watch your back – maybe even arm yourself. It’s looking bleak. Do not trust the ones you love. Your numbers are 3..2..1

January 20-February 18

Recognizing the fact that there’s a world outside your iPhone may make you realize just how little you have really contributed to the world.

Aquarius

Stop scrolling through Facebook. Stop revolving your life around Instagram. Hate to break it to you, but you are genetically incapable of putting anything interesting into 10,000 words let alone the 250 characters allowed by Twitter.

Recognizing the fact that there’s a world outside your iPhone may make you realize just how little you have really contributed to the world. Counteract this potential existential crisis by doing something creative with your life; read a book, listen to an album that hasn’t been covered by Boyce Avenue. 

February 19-March 20

This month’s stone is Breeze Block, a great stone to wear around your neck next time you go for a swim in a deep lake or river. 

Pisces

Ever wondered what it’s like to fuck a goat? Join the thousands of others who already know as Mars enters its sixth-hundred-and-sixty-sixth-stage and awakens curiosity in your life.

This month’s stone is Breeze Block, a great stone to wear around your neck next time you go for a swim in a deep lake or river. 

Your numbers are Orange, Cloud, Cucumber and that piece of chewing gum stuck on your jeans.