The Pulp Press

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inabitm8

March 21-April 19

“Enough is Enough. It’s gone too far. This is the end.”
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April 20-May 20

This week is all about leaving behind the traits that make you a Taurus. Carpe Diem.
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May 21-June 20

Pluto lines up with Goofy this week.
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June 21-July 22

Stop sleeping around. You’re making everyone’s pubes itch.
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July 23-August 22

Maybe it’s time to sleep in your own bed and not outside your ex-lover’s window.
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August 23-September 22

Your numbers this week are 0, 0, 0, and 0, and your color is beige.
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September 23-October 22

As long as you keep loving yourself, you won’t suffer the dire repercussions of your nasty diet.
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October 23-November 21

Throw your body around like you stole it; burn that rubber, and screw yourself into oblivion.
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November 22-December 21

It’s time to come to terms with the fact that it’s not them; it’s you.
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December 22-January 19

It’s looking bleak. Do not trust the ones you love. Your numbers are 3..2..1
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January 20-February 18

Recognizing the fact that there’s a world outside your iPhone may make you realize just how little you have really contributed to the world.
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February 19-March 20

This month’s stone is Breeze Block, a great stone to wear around your neck next time you go for a swim in a deep lake or river.

Everyone Is Getting Married And Having Kids. I Just Want To Spend The Rest Of My Life Alone, Masturbating In A Dank Basement.