It’s time to come to terms with the fact that it’s not them; it’s you.
Multiple failed marriages, No friends to speak of, the outcast of the workplace: It’s time to come to terms with the fact that it’s not them; it’s you.
That whole “Oh, I’m just a straight-talking-Sagittarius” shit just won’t cut it anymore. You need to re-evaluate your and come to terms with the fact that you’re flawed at the very core before it’s too late.
Recognizing the fact that there’s a world outside your iPhone may make you realize just how little you have really contributed to the world.
Stop scrolling through Facebook. Stop revolving your life around Instagram. Hate to break it to you, but you are genetically incapable of putting anything interesting into 10,000 words let alone the 250 characters allowed by Twitter.
Recognizing the fact that there’s a world outside your iPhone may make you realize just how little you have really contributed to the world. Counteract this potential existential crisis by doing something creative with your life; read a book, listen to an album that hasn’t been covered by Boyce Avenue.
Are you sick of growing the same flowers in your garden every year? Maybe your freezer is overflowing with…
Are you sick of growing the same flowers in your garden every year? Maybe your freezer is overflowing with severed limbs and you need to free up some space but you don’t want any of your precious cuttings to go to waste. Whatever your problem, if you want to turn your stash of severed limbs into plants that make your garden stand out from all the others, we will help you do so with blooming success.
First thing first: Materials
2 x sharp shears
Frozen severed limbs, but nothing too big; this article is about flowers, not trees.
2-3 seeds per body part
A shovel if you’re growing in the ground, or a pot that’s large enough to accommodate your severed limbs
Next up: Preparation
Assuming you’ve already severed all the limbs you’ll need, the process of propagating body parts is super quick and easy.
The first thing you need to decide is the type of flower you want to combine with your severed limb. Roses are a great option because you can sow the seeds year round, but you can do this with pretty much any type of perennial.
When you select the limbs you want to use, keep in mind that it’s really helpful to have some bone tissue protruding from it.
NOTE: ONLY DO THIS IF THERE IS NO RAIN IN THE FORECAST FOR THE NEXT 48 HOURS!! Otherwise, you will have to deal with looooooads of decaying flesh! Who wants that!?
The Propagation Process
Step 1: Prepare Limbs
Take the severed limbs out of the freezer. If you’re using fingers or toes, I definitely recommend painting the nails in a shade that complements the color of the flower you’re planting it with. When I plant my toe roses, I like to give the toes a nice French-style pedicure because it looks really nice and clean.
Step 2: Prepare Soil
If you’re growing in the ground, use your shovel dig a hole for each of the body parts while you wait for them to thaw. The holes should be just deep enough to accommodate the limbs.
If you are using a planter, fill it with fast-draining soil while you wait for the limbs to thaw; use one part potting soil, one part perlite.
Step 3: Put the Seed in the Limb
When your limbs are about 20% thawed out, stick a seed right up the center of the bone, about 2 centimeters deep.
Step 4: Sow the Limb with Seed
Stuff it in the ground or in your pot, and sprinkle some soil on it.
Step 5: Wait & Water
Wait a day or two to water it.
In a few weeks, you will have the most gorgeous and coveted garden on the block! You’re welcome!
Oh, doggies! They are our best friends; we love them, and they love us, too. With that said, things can get a bit awkward sometimes, especially when it comes to the tradition of crotch-sniffing (or lack thereof).
Lots of humans don’t realize this, but when a dog walks away from an opportunity to sniff your crotch, that’s their way of telling you that you’re super boring down there. And even fewer humans realize that dogs are actually trying to ostracize you when they don’t smell your crotch.
We reached out to dog-whispering veterinarian Dr. Klein to find out just how offended you should be if a dog doesn’t sniff your crotch, and her answer was honestly pretty brutal. But luckily, she also gave us some really great advice so you never have to be offended by a dog ignoring your crotch scent again!
“It’s basically the canine way of saying, ‘You really need to spice things up a bit down there.'”
According to dog-whispering veterinarian Dr. Klein, crotch-sniffing is a very important cultural custom for our canine pals. “When a dog sniffs your crotch, they are essentially scoping you out to see if your nethers smell interesting enough to be of use to them and their social circle,” She tells us. “When a dog doesn’t sniff your crotch – well, it’s basically the canine way of saying, ‘You really need to spice things up down there.'” Dr. Klein adds.
So, should you feel offended if a dog doesn’t sniff your crotch? The answer is brutal but simple: “Duh,” says Dr. Klein.
What can you do about it?
Fortunately, there are several ways to make your nether region smell more interesting, and dogs have really sensitive noses, so it doesn’t require a lot of effort. And it’s totally possible to make your crotch smell more interesting without spending any money, so that’s a plus!
1. Wear the same pair of unwashed underwear whenever you know you’ll see a dog
According to Dr. Klein, this is the most simple piece of advice to follow. “Just have that one pair of underwear that you only wear if you think you’ll encounter a dog, and never wash it.” The smell of your crotch will become more and more appealing each time you put them on.
2. Rub a juicy steak all over your groin
One way to make your crotch smell more interesting is to rub a juicy steak on your groin for about 15 to 20 minutes every day.
3. Stop using toilet paper
Okay, so your anus might get really itchy, but dogs adore the smell of shit, so it’s worth it. You might lose a few human friends, but at least every dog will be intrigued by you.
Most importantly, be confident in who you are
Whether or not you try out Dr. Klein’s advice, one thing is certain: You need to be confident in yourself. A dog might think your crotch is boring, but that doesn’t mean that you are boring. In fact, you are probably really cool, and that dog doesn’t need to feel the same way for it to be true.
My friends are all getting married and having babies, and I’m happy for them. Really, I am – it’s great that they’re settling down and starting to establish their own families. But that’s not what I want for myself; I just want to spend the rest of my life in solitude, masturbating in a dank basement.
You might think I’m weird. That’s fine, I’m used to it; it’s been years since my friends first started telling me they think I’m sexually deviant. But I’m comfortable with their judgments; I know they’re just jealous because their husbands can’t make them orgasm for shit.
I don’t need to find a man with a house because 75% of my friends are already homeowners, and most of them have cellars. Jessie’s basement, for example, has a constant temperature of about 55 degrees Fahrenheit with a significant level of ceiling condensation, which makes it fantastic for casual masturbation.
But if I want to engage in a passionate mènage á moi during warmer seasons, Laura’s house is perfect; there are no windows, and it’s not connected to the upstairs power supply so I can polish my pearl in pitch darkness. Her moist and impressively chilly basement is decked with dust and cobwebs to match her newly-wed vagina, but not mine – I get plenty of action.
There is no environment better-suited for masturbation than a dark, cold, humid basement. I don’t feel bad about not settling down and starting a family. When it comes to stimulating my clit, no man can compete with my skills; I’m damn good at making myself cum, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life in a dank basement doing just that.
Art doesn’t just exist for our pleasure; art is a medium of self-expression – it’s a way for creative people to share their perspective with the world.
Garie Luyendyk, Jr., a brilliant artist from the Netherlands, wanted to share his perspective on the modern way of life. And he did so by creating a series of paintings that show what he thinks is wrong with the modern world we live in.
Luyendyk did a great job. His brutally honest series of paintings illustrates exactly what is wrong with modern society. Luyendyk’s work is beyond profound and even a bit ominous.