October 23-November 21

Throw your body around like you stole it; burn that rubber, and screw yourself into oblivion.

Scorpio

Venus is deep in the mounds of Viagrus this astrological period. This signifies pound town for you. Go get some, it’s time to sow your wild oats. Throw your body around like you stole it; burn that rubber, and screw yourself into oblivion. New relations are afoot, get some. If you’re lucky, you’ll lay a bunch of eggs. Your number is 69.

November 22-December 21

It’s time to come to terms with the fact that it’s not them; it’s you.

Sagittarius

Multiple failed marriages, No friends to speak of, the outcast of the workplace: It’s time to come to terms with the fact that it’s not them; it’s you.

That whole “Oh, I’m just a straight-talking-Sagittarius” shit just won’t cut it anymore. You need to re-evaluate your and come to terms with the fact that you’re flawed at the very core before it’s too late. 

December 22-January 19

It’s looking bleak. Do not trust the ones you love. Your numbers are 3..2..1

Capricorn

You be careful this week, Capricorn. You be really careful.

Maybe you’ve pissed someone off; maybe this is just it for you but the stars are blinking out one by one and your number’s almost up.

Lock yourself away, stay sharp, and watch your back – maybe even arm yourself. It’s looking bleak. Do not trust the ones you love. Your numbers are 3..2..1

January 20-February 18

Recognizing the fact that there’s a world outside your iPhone may make you realize just how little you have really contributed to the world.

Aquarius

Stop scrolling through Facebook. Stop revolving your life around Instagram. Hate to break it to you, but you are genetically incapable of putting anything interesting into 10,000 words let alone the 250 characters allowed by Twitter.

Recognizing the fact that there’s a world outside your iPhone may make you realize just how little you have really contributed to the world. Counteract this potential existential crisis by doing something creative with your life; read a book, listen to an album that hasn’t been covered by Boyce Avenue. 

February 19-March 20

This month’s stone is Breeze Block, a great stone to wear around your neck next time you go for a swim in a deep lake or river. 

Pisces

Ever wondered what it’s like to fuck a goat? Join the thousands of others who already know as Mars enters its sixth-hundred-and-sixty-sixth-stage and awakens curiosity in your life.

This month’s stone is Breeze Block, a great stone to wear around your neck next time you go for a swim in a deep lake or river. 

Your numbers are Orange, Cloud, Cucumber and that piece of chewing gum stuck on your jeans.

How To Turn Your Stash Of Severed Limbs Into Beautiful Flowers This Summer

Are you sick of growing the same flowers in your garden every year? Maybe your freezer is overflowing with…

Toe Rose 1_WP

Are you sick of growing the same flowers in your garden every year? Maybe your freezer is overflowing with severed limbs and you need to free up some space but you don’t want any of your precious cuttings to go to waste. Whatever your problem, if you want to turn your stash of severed limbs into plants that make your garden stand out from all the others, we will help you do so with blooming success. 

First thing first: Materials

  • 2 x sharp shears
  • Frozen severed limbs, but nothing too big; this article is about flowers, not trees.
  • 2-3 seeds per body part
  • A shovel if you’re growing in the ground, or a pot that’s large enough to accommodate your severed limbs
  • Well-draining soil

Next up: Preparation

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Photo by Lukas on Pexels.com

Assuming you’ve already severed all the limbs you’ll need, the process of propagating body parts is super quick and easy.

The first thing you need to decide is the type of flower you want to combine with your severed limb. Roses are a great option because you can sow the seeds year round, but you can do this with pretty much any type of perennial.

When you select the limbs you want to use, keep in mind that it’s really helpful to have some bone tissue protruding from it.

NOTE: ONLY DO THIS IF THERE IS NO RAIN IN THE FORECAST FOR THE NEXT 48 HOURS!! Otherwise, you will have to deal with looooooads of decaying flesh! Who wants that!?

The Propagation Process

Step 1: Prepare Limbs

Take the severed limbs out of the freezer. If you’re using fingers or toes, I definitely recommend painting the nails in a shade that complements the color of the flower you’re planting it with. When I plant my toe roses, I like to give the toes a nice French-style pedicure because it looks really nice and clean.

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Photo by Irina Zorg on Pexels.com

Step 2: Prepare Soil

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Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

If you’re growing in the ground, use your shovel dig a hole for each of the body parts while you wait for them to thaw. The holes should be just deep enough to accommodate the limbs.

If you are using a planter, fill it with fast-draining soil while you wait for the limbs to thaw; use one part potting soil, one part perlite.

Step 3: Put the Seed in the Limb

When your limbs are about 20% thawed out, stick a seed right up the center of the bone, about 2 centimeters deep.

Step 4: Sow the Limb with Seed

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Photo by Binyamin Mellish on Pexels.com

Stuff it in the ground or in your pot, and sprinkle some soil on it.

Step 5: Wait & Water

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Photo by EVG photos on Pexels.com

Wait a day or two to water it.

THAT’S IT!

In a few weeks, you will have the most gorgeous and coveted garden on the block! You’re welcome!

Should You Be Offended If A Dog Doesn’t Sniff Your Crotch? Experts Say “Duh” – Here’s How You Can Redeem Yourself

Should You Be Offended If A Dog Doesn't Sniff Your Crotch? Experts say 'Duh.'

Oh, doggies! They are our best friends; we love them, and they love us, too. With that said, things can get a bit awkward sometimes, especially when it comes to the tradition of crotch-sniffing (or lack thereof).

Lots of humans don’t realize this, but when a dog walks away from an opportunity to sniff your crotch, that’s their way of telling you that you’re super boring down there. And even fewer humans realize that dogs are actually trying to ostracize you when they don’t smell your crotch.

We reached out to dog-whispering veterinarian Dr. Klein to find out just how offended you should be if a dog doesn’t sniff your crotch, and her answer was honestly pretty brutal. But luckily, she also gave us some really great advice so you never have to be offended by a dog ignoring your crotch scent again!

“It’s basically the canine way of saying, ‘You really need to spice things up a bit down there.'”

According to dog-whispering veterinarian Dr. Klein, crotch-sniffing is a very important cultural custom for our canine pals. “When a dog sniffs your crotch, they are essentially scoping you out to see if your nethers smell interesting enough to be of use to them and their social circle,” She tells us. “When a dog doesn’t sniff your crotch – well, it’s basically the canine way of saying, ‘You really need to spice things up down there.'” Dr. Klein adds.

So, should you feel offended if a dog doesn’t sniff your crotch? The answer is brutal but simple: “Duh,” says Dr. Klein.

What can you do about it?

Fortunately, there are several ways to make your nether region smell more interesting, and dogs have really sensitive noses, so it doesn’t require a lot of effort. And it’s totally possible to make your crotch smell more interesting without spending any money, so that’s a plus!

1. Wear the same pair of unwashed underwear whenever you know you’ll see a dog

According to Dr. Klein, this is the most simple piece of advice to follow. “Just have that one pair of underwear that you only wear if you think you’ll encounter a dog, and never wash it.” The smell of your crotch will become more and more appealing each time you put them on.

2. Rub a juicy steak all over your groin

One way to make your crotch smell more interesting is to rub a juicy steak on your groin for about 15 to 20 minutes every day.

3. Stop using toilet paper

Okay, so your anus might get really itchy, but dogs adore the smell of shit, so it’s worth it. You might lose a few human friends, but at least every dog will be intrigued by you.

Most importantly, be confident in who you are

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Whether or not you try out Dr. Klein’s advice, one thing is certain: You need to be confident in yourself. A dog might think your crotch is boring, but that doesn’t mean that you are boring. In fact, you are probably really cool, and that dog doesn’t need to feel the same way for it to be true.