5 Things To Know Before Falling In Love With An ISIS Freedom Fighter

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I spent a year backpacking in Europe and Asia, so I’m no stranger to dating people from different backgrounds. In fact, I thought I was an expert until I fell in love with an ISIS freedom fighter and realized just how much I didn’t know about the men in this world.

I’ve compiled a list of the five biggest lessons I learned when I fell in love with an Islamist militant so that you don’t have to learn the hard way.

1. The people who call you crazy don’t understand your situation. 

Your haters don’t know what they’re talking about because they are comfortable living mundane lives; all they know about ISIS is what they see on the news. You, on the other hand, are an adventurer, and you prefer to learn about the world first-hand. Your boring friends can judge you all they want, but they will never understand your motives until they find themselves in a similar position. And they’re probably too boring to ever be in your position. Just ignore them and keep being yourself, and remind your haters that your ISIS freedom fighter isn’t as dangerously competent as the media has cracked him up to be.

2. Ignorance is bliss.

If you’re in love with an ISIS freedom fighter, try to stay as ignorant as possible. Trust me, you don’t want to know about all the children and families he’s murdered, raped, and displaced. Just don’t ask and fingers crossed that he won’t tell you.

3. You can’t un-wash his brain.

You can take the man out of terrorism but you can’t take the terrorist out of the man. If you’re not into apocalyptic ideology, then you should probably find yourself another boyfriend. ISIS freedom fighters will never prioritize your relationship over world domination. In fact, he will probably never love you because he’s too busy working on that “higher purpose.”

4. You are nothing compared to the 72 virgins he gets to have sex with in heaven.

Don’t even try to compete with the 72 virgins. Those 72 virgins make your freedom fighter tick – literally. Just the thought of getting blown by 72 virgins is what motivated my guy to try blowing up a train station. In the end, he just blew himself up, and to this day, I still know nothing of his post-mortem sexcapades.

5. He’s not actually that great.

I know, you’re with a badass new guy whose intelligence and passion proceeds him. But remember, he’s a flawed human being, just like everyone else. You may feel that you can count on him for protection, that he’s someone you can depend on to plow a bus through all your haters, but really, he’s likely so incompetent that he will only kill himself during his long-awaited attack. You might think that he’s really smart, efficient, and sophisticated, but he’s not. He’s just a regular dude who happens to be indoctrinated with a very dangerous ideology.

 

Dog Trainers Urge Parents To Enroll Their Sons In Obedience School

In what appears to be another positive outcome of the #metoo movement, obedience schools around the United States are now welcoming boys and young men ages five and up into their dog training programs.

According to Wendell Gilmore, the head trainer at the Paws-Off Obedience School for Boys and Dogs (POOSBAD) in New York City, the new program sets out to teach the boys something that their schools and parents tend to ignore: boundaries.

“We go over the basics, like displaying good behavior without expecting a reward. We also teach them how to listen to a full command without interrupting, and to stop begging at the table no matter how good the food looks and smells,” Gilmore told me. An assistant trainer chimed in: “People say ‘boys will be boys’ like you can’t do anything to change it, but I’ve never heard anyone say ‘dogs will be dogs.’ Nope, we train our dogs and bitches to behave themselves, and we need to be giving boys that same attention.”

But some parents are concerned that the programs have a sexist undertone. “I wanted to send both of my snotty children to these training classes, but I was told that my daughter wasn’t welcome. This is just one more example of discrimination against wealthy mothers,” said one worried Upper East Side resident.

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Find out how POOSBAD helped turn Little Johnny Cutter into a man. 

Other parents disagree with this sentiment, citing that most girls already receive obedience training from their parents and teachers. “These programs are actually [SIC] anti-discrimination because they are providing an opportunity for our sons to be educated to the same standard as our dogs and daughters,” said Olivia Salamander. She also told me her son’s behavior has shown clear signs of improvement since enrolling in the obedience school and that “now, when he takes something to play with, he always brings it back.”

Sarah Jenkins sent her son to POOSBAD as soon as she got word of it. According to Mrs. Jenkins, her daughter was learning to slut-shame her friends at the age of five while her son, a twelve-year-old, was still insatiably fascinated with the baby sitter’s crotch. “Little Joey is a good boy now, and he’s only been to four training sessions. We have a lot of hope for him,” she said as she patted her pubescent boy on the head.

Wow! This Mother’s Poem To Her Son Will Make You Wet Yourself

To my son,

I first met you 25 years ago,

When you were just an innocent piece of flesh.

Still, I am the only person who will ever love you.

Since then, I have watched you grow

From an incompetent infant into an incapable young man.

Still, I am the only person who will ever be proud of you.

As a baby, your skin had a refreshing glow

Which has since turned to pus, lumps, and stubble.

Still, I am the only person who will ever want to look at you.

Love,

Your mother

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Roy Moore Quotes Lolita In His Concession Speech

Roy Moore quotes Lolita in his concession speech… “And the rest is rust and stardust.” As a man who is better known for his way with children than his way with words, Roy Moore couldn’t have chosen a more appropriate quote to describe the future of his political career.

“And the rest is rust and stardust.”

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Roy Moore, known more for having his way with children than for having a way with words, paid homage to Vladimir Nabokov’s timeless and pedophilic classic, Lolita, in his concession speech.

“I hoped I would be able to put more accomplishments under my belt, but God has different plans, ‘and the rest is rust and stardust,'” he said in his “unexpected,” scrapped-together-at-the-last-minute, semi-plagiarized speech.

As it turns out, Mr. Moore could not have picked a better quote to describe the future of his political career or his reputation.

STUDY: Boarding School Alumni Have The Highest Prison Satisfaction Rates

A study of female inmates suggests those who attended boarding school are better equipped for prison life than inmates who attended day school.

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A study of female inmates suggests those who went to boarding school are better equipped for prison life than those who attended a day school.

A total of 390 female inmates who had attended either a boarding or day school until graduation were asked to rate their satisfaction regarding various aspects of prison life.

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“Prison is just like my boarding school, but with more poor people.”

The results suggest that female inmates who went to boarding school feel at home in the confined and restricted atmosphere of prisons. The food, visiting hours, scheduled obligations, and isolation give former boarding students warm, fuzzy feelings of nostalgia.

However, boarding school graduates are not always popular with their fellow inmates. “They are really fucking annoying and ignorant, but it’s a good idea to hang around them if you need stuff from the commissary.”

Here is a visual representation of the data:

 

 

 

 

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The results of this study clearly show that college preparatory boarding schools also function as prison preparatory schools. But there is certainly room for improvement; boarding schools can help their students achieve higher prison success and popularity scores by teaching more empathy and self-awareness.