DID YOU KNOW? Manterrupters Suffer From Neuro-Evolutionary Retardation!

Mash

Women around the world are saying “I told you so” as men who never listened to them finally confirm that a form of neuro-evolutionary retardation causes men to unwittingly ignore and interrupt women.

Doctors are referring to the impediment as “hypophrenic impotence,” which is defined as the inability to acknowledge and, in some cases, notice a woman’s presence in a mixed gender social situation. The condition is specific to men of every race, age group and religious background and dates as far back as word of mouth.

But it wasn’t until recently that experts confirmed this unappealing behavior as a neurophysiological trait rather than a mere rumor told by women.

pexels-photo-428364
John Doe, a hypophrenic realtor

You have undoubtedly encountered impotent hypophrenics in a bar, a restaurant, or any other type of social hub.

Conversation ensues as the table fills with men and women. John Doe, our long-suffering man, will strike up a conversation with Jane. He asks what her job is and if she is single and her response of “Lawyer and happily engaged” triggers the poor man’s condition. (John is seeking casual fun, so this is not what he wants to hear).

Jane’s lack of use to him triggers a hypophrenic reaction making him instantly blind to her existence. As soon as the word “lawyer” exits her mouth, he loses the ability to hear what she says and will begin to talk over her or start a conversation with the man sitting nearest to her.

Despite Jane being the primary source of income in her relationship, when they say their goodbyes John will pat her on the small of her back and tell her to ensure ‘he takes good care of you, sweetheart.’

Hypophrenic brain
Experts were surprised to discover that the frontal lobes of impotent hypophrenics hold a strong physical resemblance to a dense serving of mashed potatoes with gravy.

Initial research into the condition revealed that hypophrenic impotence is a symptom of evolutionary stagnancy in the frontal lobe. As a result, situations such as the one just described send the ignarus mentula part of the prefrontal cortex into overdrive. In the case of sufferers of this condition, the brain only recognizes people who can potentially fulfill a Neanderthal role to fill in the subjects’ life.

You see, impotent hypophrenics interpret women as a biological necessity filling the role of food supplier, sexual conquest, and source of admiration. Once a woman removes herself from any of these functions by expressing self-sufficiency or by being intellectually challenging, sexually unavailable or simply “not food,” the ignarus mentula blocks her out. And, if the subject has a particularly keen amygdala, he may even perceive her as a threat.

We now know that impotent hypophrenia is hereditary, and the onset is generally reported as coinciding with the start of puberty. The deformity is passed down by fathers who are unable to see their female partners as anything more than a service to themselves and their house to bring forth sons with a similar outlook.

Doctors initially recommended cognitive behavioral therapy but later found this method to be ineffective because most CBT providers are women. However, now that men are becoming more aware of the condition, a cure might not be so far away.

If you suspect that you or a loved one may be suffering from hypophrenic impotence, find out if you are eligible to participate in medical research by calling your nearest healthcare provider.

Advertisements

DID YOU KNOW? Severed Hairs Suffer From Severe Separation Anxiety

pubes_WP

The next time you prepare for a hot date, think again before you remove your body hair: According to new research, your body hairs experience extreme sadness when you send them down the drain.

In a recent study, scientists observed the emotional reaction of body hairs after they being severed from the body. The results show that hairs do indeed experience emotional trauma after their removal.

“When you take [hairs] off your body, they have a lot of time to fester in your drain or floor or wherever,” said Doctor Friedrich Bosch, a Psychoanalyst at the Center For Keratin Studies and Psychoanalysis in Berlin. “Once your hairs are gone, you may very well forget about them, but that doesn’t mean that they forget about you. In fact, they spend years thinking about how much they miss you, wondering why they weren’t good enough for you,” Dr. Bosch told us.

With the help of several colleagues, Dr. Bosch has formed a coalition to increase global awareness of the trauma we subject our hairs to when we yank or shave them off our body. “Hairs are very clingy,” said Dr. Bosch. “When we remove them, they interpret it as a palpable message of disrespect and rejection.”

But there is some good news; the hairs’ despair doesn’t last for very long. Since hairs are so clingy, they will find a new host in no time, and many hairs make a traditional pilgrimage to mingle with dishes in the kitchen sink.

Is Lobotomy The New Rhinoplasty? Experts Say Yes!

Lobotomy Is The New Rhinoplasty

Health and beauty experts are now encouraging wealthy people with ugly physical features and low self-esteem to opt for brain reduction surgery instead of cosmetic procedures.

Everyone has at least one undesirable trait, and many people have several. That’s why wealthy, self-loathing Americans pump billions of dollars into cosmetic surgery every year.

But health and beauty experts now suggest an alternative treatment for ugliness: Lobotomies.

facelift_WP
“Thanks to The Pulp Press, I was able to get a lobotomy before it was too late!” – Beth-Anne Ridley

“Cosmetic surgery is a very superficial answer to a deep, neuropsychological problem,” said Dr. Sandra Jefferson, a neurosurgeon at Johns Hopkins University Hospital, citing that most people look worse after getting a facelift.

This nuanced theory stems from the ancient idea that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. According to Dr. Jefferson, nobody is negatively affected by exposure to an ugly face more than the person who is wearing it.

In fact, “having ugly friends usually makes us feel better about ourselves, but people are too vain to realize that so they get plastic surgery in a frivolous attempt to please their peers.”

Dr. Jefferson is collaborating with smart people from around the globe to establish the world’s first-ever neurocosmetics department.

“Nobody gets just one cosmetic procedure. They may come in initially just hating their nose, but they don’t stop hating their face so they come back in a month later for a facelift. A lobotomy is definitely the most efficient way to stop hating your body,” said Dr. Jared Smarther, a cosmetic surgeon from Dallas, Texas.

Donatella-Versace-bad-plastic-surgery
Should Donatella Versace have had a lobotomy from the get-go? Experts say yes.

All the experts we spoke to recommend getting a lobotomy before wasting time and money on superfluous surgical procedures.

What are you waiting for? Get a lobotomy and you’ll instantly be smarter and prettier.