Dog Trainers Urge Parents To Enroll Their Sons In Obedience School

In what appears to be another positive outcome of the #metoo movement, obedience schools around the United States are now welcoming boys and young men ages five and up into their dog training programs.

According to Wendell Gilmore, the head trainer at the Paws-Off Obedience School for Boys and Dogs (POOSBAD) in New York City, the new program sets out to teach the boys something that their schools and parents tend to ignore: boundaries.

“We go over the basics, like displaying good behavior without expecting a reward. We also teach them how to listen to a full command without interrupting, and to stop begging at the table no matter how good the food looks and smells,” Gilmore told me. An assistant trainer chimed in: “People say ‘boys will be boys’ like you can’t do anything to change it, but I’ve never heard anyone say ‘dogs will be dogs.’ Nope, we train our dogs and bitches to behave themselves, and we need to be giving boys that same attention.”

But some parents are concerned that the programs have a sexist undertone. “I wanted to send both of my snotty children to these training classes, but I was told that my daughter wasn’t welcome. This is just one more example of discrimination against wealthy mothers,” said one worried Upper East Side resident.

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Find out how POOSBAD helped turn Little Johnny Cutter into a man. 

Other parents disagree with this sentiment, citing that most girls already receive obedience training from their parents and teachers. “These programs are actually [SIC] anti-discrimination because they are providing an opportunity for our sons to be educated to the same standard as our dogs and daughters,” said Olivia Salamander. She also told me her son’s behavior has shown clear signs of improvement since enrolling in the obedience school and that “now, when he takes something to play with, he always brings it back.”

Sarah Jenkins sent her son to POOSBAD as soon as she got word of it. According to Mrs. Jenkins, her daughter was learning to slut-shame her friends at the age of five while her son, a twelve-year-old, was still insatiably fascinated with the baby sitter’s crotch. “Little Joey is a good boy now, and he’s only been to four training sessions. We have a lot of hope for him,” she said as she patted her pubescent boy on the head.

STUDY: Boarding School Alumni Have The Highest Prison Satisfaction Rates

A study of female inmates suggests those who attended boarding school are better equipped for prison life than inmates who attended day school.

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A study of female inmates suggests those who went to boarding school are better equipped for prison life than those who attended a day school.

A total of 390 female inmates who had attended either a boarding or day school until graduation were asked to rate their satisfaction regarding various aspects of prison life.

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“Prison is just like my boarding school, but with more poor people.”

The results suggest that female inmates who went to boarding school feel at home in the confined and restricted atmosphere of prisons. The food, visiting hours, scheduled obligations, and isolation give former boarding students warm, fuzzy feelings of nostalgia.

However, boarding school graduates are not always popular with their fellow inmates. “They are really fucking annoying and ignorant, but it’s a good idea to hang around them if you need stuff from the commissary.”

Here is a visual representation of the data:

 

 

 

 

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The results of this study clearly show that college preparatory boarding schools also function as prison preparatory schools. But there is certainly room for improvement; boarding schools can help their students achieve higher prison success and popularity scores by teaching more empathy and self-awareness.

 

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