Cigarette Sales Boom After News Breaks That Vaping Causes Cancer

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New York, New York – When news broke of a possible link between vaping, cancer, and heart disease, nicotine-addicted hipsters wasted no time; they all immediately headed to their nearest corner shop to buy a fresh pack of cigs.

“If vaping causes cancer, I might as well start smoking cigarettes,” said Dan Slick, a confused hipster whose nicotine dependence started with a vape pen. “I mean, I won’t get the same clouds with [cigarettes], but at least I’ll be able to achieve the Monroe-Hepburn aesthetic,” he added.

Hipsters aren’t the only ones who are positively impacted by the new data. “This is fantastic news,” a tobacco lobbyist declared. “We’ve been trying to warn the public about the risks of vaping since it was first introduced to the market, and now, we finally have some scientific data to back up our claims.”

Smokers who never attempted to replace their analog cigarettes for electronic ones also feel vindicated. “I told you so,” said one smoker who laughed smugly at the news.

Indeed, it is appaent that smoking traditional cigarettes is the way to go.


This Instagram Cat Just Sold A Vintage Homemade Hairball Keychain For $3,000

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New York, NY – In a stroke of creative genius, Instagram cat Oscar “du Fluff” Harris managed to make a key ring from his crusty, aged hairballs and sell it for $3,000. It is now being used as a posh accessory to a Hermes bag.

When Oscar “du Fluff” Harris (@Oscar_duFluff) set up his Etsy account in late-January, he had no idea that his vintage hairball auction would bring in such revenue.

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The pompom is now attached to a Hermes bag.

Originally listed as $3.50, the hairball’s price increased nearly one hundred times in just seven days.

Oscar’s spokesperson told The Pulp Press that the resourceful feline had been storing the hairball for several years but had no idea the auction would be this successful.

“Oscar expected to make some money from his blog and social media sponsorships, but the success of this Etsy auction has been phenomenal.”

Now, Oscar can afford the luxurious lifestyle he loves living. “Oscar is an incredibly tenacious experience junky. Now, he can afford those hunting trips and catnip sessions without worrying about going into debt or becoming a criminal,” said Kitty Harris, Oscar’s owner.

Oscar’s next goal is to build an ottoman out of his coughed-up fluff, and he hopes the ottoman will reach 137 times the size of the keyring. The ottoman should be available by August this year, so start saving your money!