March 21-April 19

“Enough is Enough. It’s gone too far. This is the end.”

Aries

“Enough is Enough. It’s gone too far. This is the end.”

Sound familiar? That’s what you’ve been screaming at yourself in the mirror and scratching into endless reams of paper this week.

The Death Fork of Damien has aligned with the Eye of Carl so the stars are telling you to pursue positivity through action.

Stop making eye contact with yourself in the mirror; cut the badness out of your life, whether it be slowly through ground-up glass ingestion or unwilling incineration. Let the stars guide your hand. They are there for you.

April 20-May 20

This week is all about leaving behind the traits that make you a Taurus. Carpe Diem.

Taurus

This week is all about leaving behind the traits that make you a Taurus. The grounded, dependable and ‘in control’ nature you rely on should be abandoned.

Try something new. Take some acid, smoke some heroin – fuck it, why not steal a car and pay enough money for sex that you get a heart attack?

Live a little. Carpe Diem.

May 21-June 20

Pluto lines up with Goofy this week.

Gemini

Pluto lines up with Goofy this week signifying new family relations and coincidence.

At 1.38pm on Tuesday you will get a call halfway through your lunch break telling you that the shadow the doctors noticed on your scan six months ago is actually your conjoined twin. It has been living inside you since birth. Congratulations in advance!

New relationships are afoot, and old ones will be put to new strain with the arrival of a long lost loved one!

June 21-July 22

Stop sleeping around. You’re making everyone’s pubes itch.

Cancer

Stop sleeping around. You’re making everyone’s pubes itch.

Ever wondered what’s behind your lack of employment and friendships? Walking sideways with a home-made paper-mâché shell on isn’t funny. Nobody thinks it’s cool and quite frankly it’s really fucking annoying.

Get a new gimmick that will actually compensate for your incredibly bland personality.

July 23-August 22

Maybe it’s time to sleep in your own bed and not outside your ex-lover’s window.

Leo

Your smothering nature has gone slightly too far. Your love for loving is just getting too much for everyone around you.

It’s time to sleep in your own bed and not outside your ex-lover’s window. Resist the urge of your birth element and put the gasoline away: fire doesn’t cleanse all.

August 23-September 22

Your numbers this week are 0, 0, 0, and 0, and your color is beige.

Virgo

WTF even is a Virgo? IDK – there are like zero Virgos and any nobody cares about the ones that do exist anyways.

I’m contractually obliged to write something though, so here goes: You will have health this week, money will also happen. Relationships occur, but sex probably won’t. Try house cleaning to soothe your emotions.

Your numbers this week are 0, 0, 0 and 0 and your color is beige.

September 23-October 22

As long as you keep loving yourself, you won’t suffer the dire repercussions of your nasty diet.

Libra

The scales are playing a large role for you. There’s a reason you have been charged double for your last bunch of bus journeys.

You could stop binge-eating, but who cares if you’re morbidly obese? It doesn’t matter how many liters of grease you chug every night. As long as you keep loving yourself, you won’t suffer the dire repercussions of your nasty diet. A healthy mind is a healthy heart.

Expect a reuniting with old pets when you dig into the creases of your sofa. Your stone this week is lead. Your number is 88.