I’ve always been the type of girl who stays away from smart people because I’m scared they’ll make me feel like a moron. But the thing is, they haven’t spent anywhere near as much time or money taking online IQ tests as I have, so they don’t even know if they’re intelligent or not.
Let me explain with an example. A colleague of mine once came over to my apartment and got excited when she noticed my stack of vintage National Geographic magazines on the coffee table. She picked up an issue from the late 60s with a picture of an astronaut on the cover, and she started talking about the story as if she had read it before.
But she clearly didn’t know shit because she accidentally called Lance Armstrong “Neil.” When I corrected her, she started laughing even though it was my fucking magazine she was reading.
After she left, I felt so insecure that I made a cup of coffee, popped a Ritalin, opened my browser, started a new IQ test, and paid $48 for it.
Before you ask; no, I don’t have the test questions memorized; I take a different test every time.
Yes, some of the tests might be kind of unreliable, but it’s easy to tell if you’ve been scammed because your test scores will be average or lower.
I got a score of 124 which is above average and also 10 points higher than my previous result. I felt secure and confident enough to invite my colleague over again because I knew that if she snubbed my intelligence, I could tell her that I have an above-average intelligence quotient.
I used my new and improved IQ score as leverage for a few weeks until I went out for drinks with a group of people who are super up-to-date with current events. After that, I went home and took another IQ test, this time for $51, and I got a score of 146. That’s right. I qualify for a Mensa membership even when I’m under the influence of alcohol!
Thanks to these online IQ tests and the $600 I’ve spent on them, I know that I don’t need to read those beautiful National Geographic magazines to learn stuff about the world. Hell, I don’t even need to be sober. I just need to tell my friends and coworkers that I qualify for Mensa and they’ll leave me the fuck alone.