People Think They’re Smarter Than Me, But I Know They’re Wrong Because I’ve Spent $600 On Internet IQ Tests

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I’ve always been the type of girl who stays away from smart people because I’m scared they’ll make me feel like a moron. But the thing is, they haven’t spent anywhere near as much time or money taking online IQ tests as I have, so they don’t even know if they’re intelligent or not.

Let me explain with an example. A colleague of mine once came over to my apartment and got excited when she noticed my stack of vintage National Geographic magazines on the coffee table. She picked up an issue from the late 60s with a picture of an astronaut on the cover, and she started talking about the story as if she had read it before.

But she clearly didn’t know shit because she accidentally called Lance Armstrong “Neil.” When I corrected her, she started laughing even though it was my fucking magazine she was reading.

After she left, I felt so insecure that I made a cup of coffee, popped a Ritalin, opened my browser, started a new IQ test, and paid $48 for it.

Before you ask; no, I don’t have the test questions memorized; I take a different test every time.

Yes, some of the tests might be kind of unreliable, but it’s easy to tell if you’ve been scammed because your test scores will be average or lower.

I got a score of 124 which is above average and also 10 points higher than my previous result. I felt secure and confident enough to invite my colleague over again because I knew that if she snubbed my intelligence, I could tell her that I have an above-average intelligence quotient.

I used my new and improved IQ score as leverage for a few weeks until I went out for drinks with a group of people who are super up-to-date with current events. After that, I went home and took another IQ test, this time for $51, and I got a score of 146. That’s right. I qualify for a Mensa membership even when I’m under the influence of alcohol!

Thanks to these online IQ tests and the $600 I’ve spent on them, I know that I don’t need to read those beautiful National Geographic magazines to learn stuff about the world. Hell, I don’t even need to be sober. I just need to tell my friends and coworkers that I qualify for Mensa and they’ll leave me the fuck alone.

GRITTY – This Award-Winning Street Photographer Can Only Take Pictures Of Homeless People

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Ava Greer is talented enough to take pictures of anyone or anything in the world, but it’s physically impossible for her to take photos of anyone except homeless people! Poor girl! Luckily, she’s finding solace on Instagram and Facebook support groups for other street photographers with similar problems.

According to Ava, she is physically incapable of pressing the shutter button unless there’s a homeless person somewhere in the frame. “It’s like my body shuts down, and if the subject isn’t homeless, I literally cannot take their photo!”

But it wasn’t always like this, she says. “I’ve been doing photography since high school. At that time, I had never even seen a homeless person up close before.” Back in those days, Ava mostly took pictures of her friends and family, cashiers, mailmen, babies, and some still life.

“Then, I left home and traveled to loads of different cities for six months. When I got back, I looked at my thousands of photos and realized that only 20 of them were not of homeless people.”

According to Ava, she took all 20 of those photos on the first day of her travels. “The rest were all pictures of homeless people – thousands of photos of them. Nothing and nobody else,” she remembers. “As soon as I noticed, I rushed out the door to take pictures of people who were not homeless, but I couldn’t. I physically couldn’t do it.”

It’s been two years since then, and Ava’s problem still hasn’t improved, but she’s coping by participating in online support groups for street photographers who are unable to take pictures of anyone but homeless people. “There are actually a lot of people like me on Instagram, and I’m also a member of loads of street photography groups on Facebook, and we inspire each other to keep going.”

 

Jennifer Feels So Much Better Now Because The Random Guy Who Just Tickled Her Nips Is Obviously Gay

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Jennifer almost lost her shit this afternoon when some random dude reached out of nowhere and playfully titillated her nips for a good few seconds before disappearing back into a crowd of people. “I looked at my friend Courtney like, ‘What the fuck? Who just did that?’ But Court didn’t see it happen, and I thought we’d never find out who did it. It was really scary, and I was about to get really pissed off.”

Fortunately, the man popped back out from the crowd and confessed to pinching Jennifer’s nipples before identifying himself as a gay male. “He was like, ‘Oh, don’t worry, honey. I mean, look at me – I’m as gay as a jay and not even attracted to you.’ I immediately felt relieved because, if he was a straight guy, that would have been sexual assault. But it’s always nice to have gay men pop out of nowhere and fondle my nipples.”

“Jennifer is probably the luckiest girl in the world,” friend Courtney chimes in. “That sense of relief she experienced when she found out the guy wasn’t even into her – I really thought that whoever did it was head over heels attracted to her. I’m super jealous of her good luck.”

Third-Grader’s Swear Jar Proceeds Will Pay For Her Ivy League Education

Sage Parlancer is the envy of her third-grade classroom; she has saved enough swear jar money to afford her entire future college tuition, and possibly her retirement. Her excellent vocabulary and money-saving skills have already gotten her accepted into three Ivy League schools. 

“I’ve been passionate about profanities since I was about three years old,” Sage recalls. According to Sage, it all started one morning when she witnessed her father stub his toe while making breakfast. “He was so angry! He was like, ‘F@%* S#%! C#@!,’ and I was just thinking, ‘wow, what a wonderful avenue for self-expression.’ When my mom found out about what happened, she got so angry that she started cursing as well. It was amazing. I’ve loved swearing ever since.”

Sage’s parents, Fretta and Frank Parlancer, used to lay awake with sweaty, pounding hearts as they thought about the drug-addicted prostitute they were certain their daughter would become. “It was about two months after her fourth birthday when we realized we needed to do something to stop her. We tried washing her mouth out with soap, but that didn’t work, so we did some Googling and decided that a swear jar would be the best way to teach her some manners.”

A True Polyglot

The swear jar only inspired Sage to take her love for dirty words to a new extreme: “By the time I was five, I had learned the entire French language just because I thought I was cursing,” Sage remembers.

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Sage’s money banks line a five-tier shelf in her home.

Sage’s exploration of the French language (combined with her naturally romantic disposition) motivated her to curse in Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, and Romanian, as well as in German, Swedish, Russian, Swahili, Amharic, Arabic, Hebrew, Urdu, Farsi, Hindi, Nepali, Japanese, Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese, and Klingon.

By the time Sage turned six, the Parlancers had an entire five-tier bookshelf lined with swear jars and piggy banks, each designated for their respective swear word. “It got to the point where we were scared she was going to become a prostitute AND that we would go into debt trying to make sure she had enough coins to put in her swear jar,” Frank remembers.

But after news got out about Sage’s impressive savings, it became clear that Sage’s parents no longer needed to worry because their darling eight-year-old already had a promising future ahead of her.

Now, the only thing Sage and her parents have to think about is which Ivy League school she will attend in the fall of 2028 as she’s already been offered positions at Columbia, Harvard, and Yale.

Sage, you are an inspiration. Keep up the good work!

This Woman Built A Second Home In Her Living Room 100% Out Of Amazon Boxes – The Results Are Amazing

Tired of Amazon boxes turning her minimalist lifestyle into an absolute cluster fuck, Sadie Jacobs turned them into a second home in her living room. The results prove that it’s totally possible to live the minimalist dream, even if your house is littered with packaging. You can take a mini-tour of her new pad in the slideshow at the bottom of the page. 

It often seems as though 21st Century minimalism is nothing more than an unattainable fantasy. You read all those blogs that make reduction seem so easy, but those people clearly have more time on their hands than you do. On the one hand, it’s great that companies like Amazon make it so easy to fit your excessive shopping needs into your busy schedule. On the other hand, when you do purchase all the necessary furniture, coffee table books, house plants, etcetera, you just end up with a junkyard of packaging in your living room.

Sadie Jacobs knew this pain all too well. “It got so bad that the recycling people just stopped coming by my house,” said Sadie, a recently-converted minimalist slash outside-the-box thinker. Luckily, Sadie came up with a more creative (and simple) idea than any she had seen on Pinterest. “I just decided, ‘hey, you know what? I’m just gonna make the most out of this mess and build a second minimalist home in my living room.'”

Her new home-within-a-home doesn’t have any plumbing or electricity, but that’s fine. “It’s really just so relieving to be able to escape from all of the complexities that exist outside of my Amazon boxes. It’s changed my life. I can’t recommend it enough!”

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Livid Bitch Finally Speaks Out Against Street Harassment

doggycam_WPLos Angeles, C.A. – Tinkerbell Howley, a Labrador from the suburbs of Los Angeles, wanted to show the world how much harassment she endures while trying to walk anonymously with her owner in the street, so she went on a walk with a GoPro on her back. She plans to make a compilation film of a year’s worth of GoPro footage.

The doggy cam footage to date shows random passersby shoving their hands in front of her nose.  Whether she expressed interest or not, the harassers would then move to rubbing her ears, neck, and armpits. Some people even gave her kisses, “as if I want your mouth all over me.” Tinkerbell cringes as she replays the footage.

“Aw, she’s irresistible. I was giving her a compliment,” says Gerald Corrola, a fellow resident of Tink’s neighborhood. “If I had known she didn’t like it, I would have stopped bother-”

Gerald then lost his train of thought when he noticed a young woman on the opposite sidewalk. “Hey, sexy!” he called out to her. She ignored him. “Hey, didn’t your mom teach you to say thank you?” He shouted. “Fuck off,” she clarified. “Hey, fuck you, you ugly piece of ass!” he yelled back to her.

Bitches these days…

As a puppy, Tinkerbell Howley loved going outside. But her affinity for the outdoors diminished to dread when she became aware of how many entitled humans felt entitled to encroach on her personal space.

“They would click, squeal, gawk, and whistle at me from all directions,” says Tink. “I tried to ignore them, but I have really sensitive ears.”

The more it happened, Tink says, the angrier she became. She tried telling the strangers to go away. If she barked, her owner would yell at her. If she simply ignored the harassment, it would only intensify.

In turn, her resentment escalated into a fear of the outdoors. “She would hide her nose in a pile of pillows every time I mentioned the words ‘leash’ or ‘walk,'” recalls her owner, Mark Howley.

“It’s because you’re too cute, Tink,” Mark would try to comfort her. His reaction exasperated Tink’s frustration. According to Tink, Mark even blamed her for the harassment, citing her wagging tail as the provoker. “I can’t help wagging my fucking tail, it’s just how canine anatomy works,” she snarks at the memory.

Tinkerbell concocted a plan. “The next time Mark touched the leash, I retrieved his GoPro from the cupboard and dropped it on the floor next to his feet.” Mark thought the concept of a doggy-cam video sounded like a “cool idea” and complied.

This Instagram Cat Just Sold A Vintage Homemade Hairball Keychain For $3,000

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New York, NY – In a stroke of creative genius, Instagram cat Oscar “du Fluff” Harris managed to make a key ring from his crusty, aged hairballs and sell it for $3,000. It is now being used as a posh accessory to a Hermes bag.

When Oscar “du Fluff” Harris (@Oscar_duFluff) set up his Etsy account in late-January, he had no idea that his vintage hairball auction would bring in such revenue.

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The pompom is now attached to a Hermes bag.

Originally listed as $3.50, the hairball’s price increased nearly one hundred times in just seven days.

Oscar’s spokesperson told The Pulp Press that the resourceful feline had been storing the hairball for several years but had no idea the auction would be this successful.

“Oscar expected to make some money from his blog and social media sponsorships, but the success of this Etsy auction has been phenomenal.”

Now, Oscar can afford the luxurious lifestyle he loves living. “Oscar is an incredibly tenacious experience junky. Now, he can afford those hunting trips and catnip sessions without worrying about going into debt or becoming a criminal,” said Kitty Harris, Oscar’s owner.

Oscar’s next goal is to build an ottoman out of his coughed-up fluff, and he hopes the ottoman will reach 137 times the size of the keyring. The ottoman should be available by August this year, so start saving your money!