Are you sick of growing the same flowers in your garden every year? Maybe your freezer is overflowing with…
Are you sick of growing the same flowers in your garden every year? Maybe your freezer is overflowing with severed limbs and you need to free up some space but you don’t want any of your precious cuttings to go to waste. Whatever your problem, if you want to turn your stash of severed limbs into plants that make your garden stand out from all the others, we will help you do so with blooming success.
First thing first: Materials
2 x sharp shears
Frozen severed limbs, but nothing too big; this article is about flowers, not trees.
2-3 seeds per body part
A shovel if you’re growing in the ground, or a pot that’s large enough to accommodate your severed limbs
Next up: Preparation
Assuming you’ve already severed all the limbs you’ll need, the process of propagating body parts is super quick and easy.
The first thing you need to decide is the type of flower you want to combine with your severed limb. Roses are a great option because you can sow the seeds year round, but you can do this with pretty much any type of perennial.
When you select the limbs you want to use, keep in mind that it’s really helpful to have some bone tissue protruding from it.
NOTE: ONLY DO THIS IF THERE IS NO RAIN IN THE FORECAST FOR THE NEXT 48 HOURS!! Otherwise, you will have to deal with looooooads of decaying flesh! Who wants that!?
The Propagation Process
Step 1: Prepare Limbs
Take the severed limbs out of the freezer. If you’re using fingers or toes, I definitely recommend painting the nails in a shade that complements the color of the flower you’re planting it with. When I plant my toe roses, I like to give the toes a nice French-style pedicure because it looks really nice and clean.
Step 2: Prepare Soil
If you’re growing in the ground, use your shovel dig a hole for each of the body parts while you wait for them to thaw. The holes should be just deep enough to accommodate the limbs.
If you are using a planter, fill it with fast-draining soil while you wait for the limbs to thaw; use one part potting soil, one part perlite.
Step 3: Put the Seed in the Limb
When your limbs are about 20% thawed out, stick a seed right up the center of the bone, about 2 centimeters deep.
Step 4: Sow the Limb with Seed
Stuff it in the ground or in your pot, and sprinkle some soil on it.
Step 5: Wait & Water
Wait a day or two to water it.
In a few weeks, you will have the most gorgeous and coveted garden on the block! You’re welcome!
Oh, doggies! They are our best friends; we love them, and they love us, too. With that said, things can get a bit awkward sometimes, especially when it comes to the tradition of crotch-sniffing (or lack thereof).
Lots of humans don’t realize this, but when a dog walks away from an opportunity to sniff your crotch, that’s their way of telling you that you’re super boring down there. And even fewer humans realize that dogs are actually trying to ostracize you when they don’t smell your crotch.
We reached out to dog-whispering veterinarian Dr. Klein to find out just how offended you should be if a dog doesn’t sniff your crotch, and her answer was honestly pretty brutal. But luckily, she also gave us some really great advice so you never have to be offended by a dog ignoring your crotch scent again!
“It’s basically the canine way of saying, ‘You really need to spice things up a bit down there.'”
According to dog-whispering veterinarian Dr. Klein, crotch-sniffing is a very important cultural custom for our canine pals. “When a dog sniffs your crotch, they are essentially scoping you out to see if your nethers smell interesting enough to be of use to them and their social circle,” She tells us. “When a dog doesn’t sniff your crotch – well, it’s basically the canine way of saying, ‘You really need to spice things up down there.'” Dr. Klein adds.
So, should you feel offended if a dog doesn’t sniff your crotch? The answer is brutal but simple: “Duh,” says Dr. Klein.
What can you do about it?
Fortunately, there are several ways to make your nether region smell more interesting, and dogs have really sensitive noses, so it doesn’t require a lot of effort. And it’s totally possible to make your crotch smell more interesting without spending any money, so that’s a plus!
1. Wear the same pair of unwashed underwear whenever you know you’ll see a dog
According to Dr. Klein, this is the most simple piece of advice to follow. “Just have that one pair of underwear that you only wear if you think you’ll encounter a dog, and never wash it.” The smell of your crotch will become more and more appealing each time you put them on.
2. Rub a juicy steak all over your groin
One way to make your crotch smell more interesting is to rub a juicy steak on your groin for about 15 to 20 minutes every day.
3. Stop using toilet paper
Okay, so your anus might get really itchy, but dogs adore the smell of shit, so it’s worth it. You might lose a few human friends, but at least every dog will be intrigued by you.
Most importantly, be confident in who you are
Whether or not you try out Dr. Klein’s advice, one thing is certain: You need to be confident in yourself. A dog might think your crotch is boring, but that doesn’t mean that you are boring. In fact, you are probably really cool, and that dog doesn’t need to feel the same way for it to be true.
There comes a time in any relationship where, if you want to keep things going, you have to start considering creative ways to ensure your partner stays interested in you. And sadly, everything you read about the matter on the internet is completely overused and, if you follow the standard advice, your guy will see right through it because it’s all been done before.
That’s why our journalists have been hard at work for months searching for solutions to this predicament – and we’ve finally done enough research to share five new and refreshing ways to keep your heterosexual boyfriend of six months to one year interested in you.
All of these steps have been scientifically proven to make your boyfriend more interested in you – and possibly even want to marry you. And they are so easy, so there’s no reason not to try all of them out!
1. Three words: Essential Oyster Fragrances
I am not even getting paid by Eau de Toilette d’Huître – this stuff is so powerful that if you use it, you might not even need to follow any of the remaining other tips!
It’s made from 99% oyster urine, which, as we all know, is a really rich aphrodisiac. Your guy – and all the other guys in the vicinity – won’t be able to resist you. And it’s only $340 per bottle! That’s nothing compared to, let’s say, a boob job or a lobotomy.
Note: Generic brands are available, but they use lower-quality oyster urine (some even use clam urine instead – yuck!), so the extra money is totally worth it.
2. Keep a stash of Doritos in your lingerie
If there’s one thing men love, it’s Doritos, so when a woman stuffs a bunch of them in her lingerie, it’s impossible for him to forget about her.
Keep them in there for as long as possible – experts say the longer you let Doritos fester in your lingerie, the more you’ll get your guy’s juices flowing. That’s because getting the Doritos a bit sweaty will make you smell more like fake cheese, and dudes love that, especially if it’s all over the most intimate parts of your body that only he gets to see!
3. Let him believe he’s the one who brought crabs into your sex life
If you don’t have crabs already, you’re going to need to get some. But wait until after you have sex and transfer them to his pubes before you tell him you have crabs. Otherwise, game over.
After you’ve transferred them to him and you can see him scratching, or he verbally tells you he is irritated and itchy below the belt, that’s when you tell him you noticed a crab. Whether you tell him you noticed a crab on yourself, or on him, that’s up to you, but make it sexy!
Get some crab shampoo, and when you’re in the midst of your erotic medicated lather, let him know what a strong, brave, and desirable man he must be considering the burly size of the fierce crabs he gave you.
4. Clog his toilet with mini footballs
Since your boyfriend lays awake at night wondering if your bowel movements are like his, this is a wonderful way to surprise and impress him.
First, buy some mini footballs and inject them with lead to make them sink when you drop them in the toilet. Head over to your boyf’s place with a few footballs stuffed in your bra, and tell him you need the bathroom.
Stay in his bathroom for about 10 minutes and drop the footballs from seat level every ten to 30 seconds; add a bit of toilet paper, and flush. When the toilet starts overflowing, that’s your cue to find your BF and act mortified like, “Oh my god, I just clogged your toilet with my shit, IDK what to do!?”
Your cry of distress help will make him feel super handy, and, of course, he’ll be over the moon when he finds out that you shit footballs.
5. Splash your hair with a bit of engine oil
This one is so obvious that it’s surprising it hasn’t been featured in Glamour or Marie Claire – yet. Experts say that if you really want your boyfriend to stay interested in you, it’s time for you to ditch your coconut and argan oil for some mineral car engine oil.
Basically, engine oil is a natural lubricant that detangles and adds shine to any type of hair – and dudes go crazy for this shit. Whether it’s the smell or the texture – I don’t know – nobody does – but there is something magical about it that just makes men so interested.
But if you really want to impress your boyfriend, ask to use his! That way, you can show him that you know what engine oil is, and that will really impress him, but he’ll also be super flattered that you want to use his engine oil because he spent a lot of time deciding on which one to get!
Note: Synthetic and semi-synthetic oils won’t hurt, but it’s always better to opt for mineral whenever you have the option (that rule applies to any type of beauty product).
Congratulations! The five steps I just gave you are GUARANTEED to make your heterosexual boyfriend stay interested in you for months to come. In fact, if you’re really dedicated, he might even put a ring on your finger by the end of the month because he won’t be able to stay away from you!
Okay, let’s be honest. The world is crawling with so many guys that it’s almost impossible to distinguish the keepers from the duds. You can try finding the right guy through trial and error, or you can read about how to find the best partner by looking it up online, but you only have so much free time in your busy schedule!!
Luckily, I’ve dated/had sex with almost every grown man on earth, so I can literally speak for anyone who might be reading!!
So, ladies, here is what you should be looking for in your man (Gentlemen, take note!):
1. When you’re feeling nauseous, he holds your hair and encourages you to vomit on him and not in the toilet
If he wants to be drenched in your essence and comfort you at the same time, he’s definitely a keeper.
2. He’s super attracted to your pheromones even though you literally just shoved a dead rat up your vagina
Okay, maybe it was a dead mouse, but whatever. If you have a dead animal up your snatch and he still says he’s attracted to you, hang on to him, he’s got to be a good catch!
3. He tells you you’re beautiful even though your makeup sucks and you’re wearing that hideous pair of sweatpants that his super hot ex-girlfriend left behind when she dumped him
Okay, so his ex may have left a few too many broken pieces for you to glue back together, but at least he doesn’t admit that they looked better on her, right?
4. Whenever you’re apart, he doesn’t just send you pictures of his own penis, but of all of his friends’ dicks as well.
If your boyfriend is going to be your future hubby, he should already be sending you a minimum of five dick pics per day and only one of them should be of his penis, which is just enough to make sure you don’t forget how much he cares about you.
5. He makes sure his foreskin is cut (or not cut) just the way you like it.
If he’s got a foreskin but you prefer it sans, he should immediately conduct a search for the nearest scalpel (or medical professional).
If he’s uncircumcised, no problem; if your guy really is a keeper, he’ll gladly perform a skin graft on himself. Hopefully, he keeps a spare foreskin stashed in his sock drawer with his needle and thread.
He lets you hold the scalpel
6. You don’t need to take birth control because his sperm count is abnormally low.
He’s a genius chemist and he injects a homemade contraceptive serum into his thigh every night before he goes to bed.
7. He might be more in love with your period than with you
He loves your period so much that he begs you to let him insert your tampons for you.
His favorite brand is O.B., but when push comes to shove he’s still better at using a cardboard applicator than you are!
I spent a year backpacking in Europe and Asia, so I’m no stranger to dating people from different backgrounds. In fact, I thought I was an expert until I fell in love with an ISIS freedom fighter and realized just how much I didn’t know about the men in this world.
I’ve compiled a list of the five biggest lessons I learned when I fell in love with an Islamist militant so that you don’t have to learn the hard way.
1. The people who call you crazy don’t understand your situation.
Your haters don’t know what they’re talking about because they are comfortable living mundane lives; all they know about ISIS is what they see on the news. You, on the other hand, are an adventurer, and you prefer to learn about the world first-hand. Your boring friends can judge you all they want, but they will never understand your motives until they find themselves in a similar position. And they’re probably too boring to ever be in your position. Just ignore them and keep being yourself, and remind your haters that your ISIS freedom fighter isn’t as dangerously competent as the media has cracked him up to be.
2. Ignorance is bliss.
If you’re in love with an ISIS freedom fighter, try to stay as ignorant as possible. Trust me, you don’t want to know about all the children and families he’s murdered, raped, and displaced. Just don’t ask and fingers crossed that he won’t tell you.
3. You can’t un-wash his brain.
You can take the man out of terrorism but you can’t take the terrorist out of the man. If you’re not into apocalyptic ideology, then you should probably find yourself another boyfriend. ISIS freedom fighters will never prioritize your relationship over world domination. In fact, he will probably never love you because he’s too busy working on that “higher purpose.”
4. You are nothing compared to the 72 virgins he gets to have sex with in heaven.
Don’t even try to compete with the 72 virgins. Those 72 virgins make your freedom fighter tick – literally. Just the thought of getting blown by 72 virgins is what motivated my guy to try blowing up a train station. In the end, he just blew himself up, and to this day, I still know nothing of his post-mortem sexcapades.
5. He’s not actually that great.
I know, you’re with a badass new guy whose intelligence and passion proceeds him. But remember, he’s a flawed human being, just like everyone else. You may feel that you can count on him for protection, that he’s someone you can depend on to plow a bus through all your haters, but really, he’s likely so incompetent that he will only kill himself during his long-awaited attack. You might think that he’s really smart, efficient, and sophisticated, but he’s not. He’s just a regular dude who happens to be indoctrinated with a very dangerous ideology.