5 New And PROVEN Ways To Keep Your Heterosexual Boyfriend Interested In You

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There comes a time in any relationship where, if you want to keep things going, you have to start considering creative ways to ensure your partner stays interested in you. And sadly, everything you read about the matter on the internet is completely overused and, if you follow the standard advice, your guy will see right through it because it’s all been done before.

That’s why our journalists have been hard at work for months searching for solutions to this predicament – and we’ve finally done enough research to share five new and refreshing ways to keep your heterosexual boyfriend of six months to one year interested in you.

All of these steps have been scientifically proven to make your boyfriend more interested in you – and possibly even want to marry you. And they are so easy, so there’s no reason not to try all of them out!

1. Three words: Essential Oyster Fragrances

Eau de Toilette d'Huitre (essential oyster urine perfume)

I am not even getting paid by Eau de Toilette d’Huître – this stuff is so powerful that if you use it, you might not even need to follow any of the remaining other tips!

It’s made from 99% oyster urine, which, as we all know, is a really rich aphrodisiac. Your guy – and all the other guys in the vicinity – won’t be able to resist you. And it’s only $340 per bottle! That’s nothing compared to, let’s say, a boob job or a lobotomy.

Note: Generic brands are available, but they use lower-quality oyster urine (some even use clam urine instead – yuck!), so the extra money is totally worth it.

2. Keep a stash of Doritos in your lingerie

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If there’s one thing men love, it’s Doritos, so when a woman stuffs a bunch of them in her lingerie, it’s impossible for him to forget about her.

Keep them in there for as long as possible – experts say the longer you let Doritos fester in your lingerie, the more you’ll get your guy’s juices flowing. That’s because getting the Doritos a bit sweaty will make you smell more like fake cheese, and dudes love that, especially if it’s all over the most intimate parts of your body that only he gets to see!

3. Let him believe he’s the one who brought crabs into your sex life

Let him believe that he's the one who brought crabs into your sex life

If you don’t have crabs already, you’re going to need to get some. But wait until after you have sex and transfer them to his pubes before you tell him you have crabs. Otherwise, game over.

After you’ve transferred them to him and you can see him scratching, or he verbally tells you he is irritated and itchy below the belt, that’s when you tell him you noticed a crab. Whether you tell him you noticed a crab on yourself, or on him, that’s up to you, but make it sexy!

Get some crab shampoo, and when you’re in the midst of your erotic medicated lather, let him know what a strong, brave, and desirable man he must be considering the burly size of the fierce crabs he gave you.

4. Clog his toilet with mini footballs

4. Clog his toilet with mini footballs

Since your boyfriend lays awake at night wondering if your bowel movements are like his, this is a wonderful way to surprise and impress him.

First, buy some mini footballs and inject them with lead to make them sink when you drop them in the toilet. Head over to your boyf’s place with a few footballs stuffed in your bra, and tell him you need the bathroom.

Stay in his bathroom for about 10 minutes and drop the footballs from seat level every ten to 30 seconds; add a bit of toilet paper, and flush. When the toilet starts overflowing, that’s your cue to find your BF and act mortified like, “Oh my god, I just clogged your toilet with my shit, IDK what to do!?”

Your cry of distress help will make him feel super handy, and, of course, he’ll be over the moon when he finds out that you shit footballs.

5. Splash your hair with a bit of engine oil

5. Splash your hair with a bit of engine oil

This one is so obvious that it’s surprising it hasn’t been featured in Glamour or Marie Claire – yet. Experts say that if you really want your boyfriend to stay interested in you, it’s time for you to ditch your coconut and argan oil for some mineral car engine oil.

Basically, engine oil is a natural lubricant that detangles and adds shine to any type of hair – and dudes go crazy for this shit. Whether it’s the smell or the texture – I don’t know – nobody does – but there is something magical about it that just makes men so interested.

But if you really want to impress your boyfriend, ask to use his! That way, you can show him that you know what engine oil is, and that will really impress him, but he’ll also be super flattered that you want to use his engine oil because he spent a lot of time deciding on which one to get!

Note: Synthetic and semi-synthetic oils won’t hurt, but it’s always better to opt for mineral whenever you have the option (that rule applies to any type of beauty product).

The End

Congratulations! The five steps I just gave you are GUARANTEED to make your heterosexual boyfriend stay interested in you for months to come. In fact, if you’re really dedicated, he might even put a ring on your finger by the end of the month because he won’t be able to stay away from you!

DID YOU KNOW? Manterrupters Suffer From Neuro-Evolutionary Retardation!

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Women around the world are saying “I told you so” as men who never listened to them finally confirm that a form of neuro-evolutionary retardation causes men to unwittingly ignore and interrupt women.

Doctors are referring to the impediment as “hypophrenic impotence,” which is defined as the inability to acknowledge and, in some cases, notice a woman’s presence in a mixed gender social situation. The condition is specific to men of every race, age group and religious background and dates as far back as word of mouth.

But it wasn’t until recently that experts confirmed this unappealing behavior as a neurophysiological trait rather than a mere rumor told by women.

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John Doe, a hypophrenic realtor

You have undoubtedly encountered impotent hypophrenics in a bar, a restaurant, or any other type of social hub.

Conversation ensues as the table fills with men and women. John Doe, our long-suffering man, will strike up a conversation with Jane. He asks what her job is and if she is single and her response of “Lawyer and happily engaged” triggers the poor man’s condition. (John is seeking casual fun, so this is not what he wants to hear).

Jane’s lack of use to him triggers a hypophrenic reaction making him instantly blind to her existence. As soon as the word “lawyer” exits her mouth, he loses the ability to hear what she says and will begin to talk over her or start a conversation with the man sitting nearest to her.

Despite Jane being the primary source of income in her relationship, when they say their goodbyes John will pat her on the small of her back and tell her to ensure ‘he takes good care of you, sweetheart.’

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Experts were surprised to discover that the frontal lobes of impotent hypophrenics hold a strong physical resemblance to a dense serving of mashed potatoes with gravy.

Initial research into the condition revealed that hypophrenic impotence is a symptom of evolutionary stagnancy in the frontal lobe. As a result, situations such as the one just described send the ignarus mentula part of the prefrontal cortex into overdrive. In the case of sufferers of this condition, the brain only recognizes people who can potentially fulfill a Neanderthal role to fill in the subjects’ life.

You see, impotent hypophrenics interpret women as a biological necessity filling the role of food supplier, sexual conquest, and source of admiration. Once a woman removes herself from any of these functions by expressing self-sufficiency or by being intellectually challenging, sexually unavailable or simply “not food,” the ignarus mentula blocks her out. And, if the subject has a particularly keen amygdala, he may even perceive her as a threat.

We now know that impotent hypophrenia is hereditary, and the onset is generally reported as coinciding with the start of puberty. The deformity is passed down by fathers who are unable to see their female partners as anything more than a service to themselves and their house to bring forth sons with a similar outlook.

Doctors initially recommended cognitive behavioral therapy but later found this method to be ineffective because most CBT providers are women. However, now that men are becoming more aware of the condition, a cure might not be so far away.

If you suspect that you or a loved one may be suffering from hypophrenic impotence, find out if you are eligible to participate in medical research by calling your nearest healthcare provider.

Impressionable Young Man Follows Dismissive-Avoidant Woman Off A Cliff

When a group of three couples planned a weekend getaway in the mountains, they made an altruistic yet fateful gesture of inviting a 7th and 8th wheel: Judy Pascal and Johnny Manori.

“Judy was my best friend, and she had been single for way too long,” said Sarah Hicks, the organizer of the trip. “She said she didn’t want a relationship and that she loved being independent, but I knew she was lying so I blackmailed her into coming.” Johnny was friends with the boys. They invited Johnny because they knew he would stop hanging out with them if he had a girlfriend.”

According to Ms. Hicks, the trip started out on a good note. “All of us couples were having a great time, and I thought [Judy and Johnny] were having a swell time too. Judy kept sprinting up ahead of us and smiling Johnny would waste no time to catch up with her. It looked like love at first sight.”catcalling2

Indeed, it appeared as though Judy and Johnny had a real connection. Johnny was already adopting her mannerisms, and he had a seemingly pre-existing passion for all of her interests. But hindsight is 20/20, and it is now clear that Judy was trying to escape from conversing with Johnny, who took it upon himself to stand guard when she relieved herself behind a tree within the first hour of knowing her.

“Once we set up our campsite on the cliff, Judy said she wanted to kill herself and take Johnny with her,” recalled Ms. Hicks.

Soon after, witnesses say that Judy lit a cigarette and walked towards the edge of a cliff to look at the beautiful foggy view by herself. “She just wanted some alone time,” said one witness.

But, within seconds, Johnny came to join her. “I could see her swelling with anger from really far away. She would do anything to get away from him, and he just kept following her, so that’s how they both died.”

Another Desperate Man Wonders Why He Never Gets Catcalled

Another desperate man wonders why he never gets catcalled

Washington, D.C. – A man’s confidence has plummeted due to the daily lack of unwanted attention he receives from women. Now, a “nimbus of self-doubt” hovers over Roger Belcher when he roams the public sphere, and it “pours anxiety” over him once the thought of stepping outside even enters his mind.

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Am I ugly? Am I boring? Am I not worthy of acknowledgment?” Roger asks himself these questions every day – and he’s not alone.

Man Cannot Understand Why He Never Gets Catcalled

As more awareness is brought to the matter of catcalling, an increasing number of men between the ages of 13 and 99 are feeling dehumanized by the realization that female passersby never make uninvited sexual comments about their bodies.

To ease the pain, experts suggest repeating phrases of self-love in the mirror every day before stepping outside to persuade themselves that they are worthy of female attention.

“If men convince themselves that they really are decent human beings, they will eventually feel more confident,” said Dr. Edith Cockburn, a psychiatrist at George Washington Universiy. According to Dr. Cockburn, even simple phrases such as “I look great today,” “I’m a shining star,” and “I am loveable,” will make a big difference.

Terror Looms As Mike Pence Continues To Disrupt Fantasies Of Trump Impeachment

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If Mike Pence is interfering with your ability to fantasize about a Trump impeachment, you’re not alone. In fact, you are becoming less alone every day.

Thousands of men and women from around the country are holding Mike Pence responsible for preventing them from fantasizing about Donald Trump’s impeachment.

And the numbers of people experiencing the condition are only growing. As we enter the second year of the Trump era, and as the odds of his impeachment do indeed grow, more Americans report that Mike Pence is killing their dreams of a less stressful future.

One woman who suffers from this “Impeachment Boner-Killing Syndrome” (IBKS) told us, “There’s [SIC] at least five times a day that I start fantasizing about [Donald Trump’s] impeachment. I see the breaking news headlines and everything. But suddenly, Mike Pence’s face starts showing up everywhere and the short-lived pleasure reverts back to pain.”

Although many of those who suffer from IBKS are quick to blame Michael Pence for intruding their minds, experts say the condition is “simply an unfortunate side effect of the reality of the current political situation.”

Trump Opens Up About Low Self-Esteem In Emotional Interview

sadwindow_WP2We met with U.S. President Donald Trump to talk about his political accomplishments in 2017. But instead of engaging in an objective conversation about his political endeavors, Mr. Trump broke down in tears and vented about his struggle with depression. The Pulp Press reports.

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Mr. Trump fights his tears as our interview commences.

As soon as we asked our first question regarding his 2017 political accomplishments, the cocky and stoic Mr. Trump swiftly morphed into a tiny creature with red eyes, hunched shoulders, tight lips, and unusually expressive eyebrows.

In fact, Mr. Trump looked so sad that it would have been inhumane to ignore his emotional expression; we had no choice but to ask him what was wrong.

And it turns out – as far from the obvious as it is – that Mr. Trump suffers from abnormally low self-esteem due to various mood and personality disorders.

The Man Behind The Mask

“I feel sad every day,” said Mr. Trump as he reached for his handkerchief. “Nobody understands me. I feel very bad,” he wiped a drop of snot from his left nostril, “and nobody wants to help me. Nobody likes my ideas. I am such a loser!”

Donald Trump was diagnosed with depression during his first-ever psychiatric evaluation just after Donald Trump, Jr. was born when Ivana Trump (first wife) “pressured” him into seeking help from one of America’s leading mental health specialists.

But Mr. Trump did not appreciate the diagnosis and stormed out just before the evaluation was concluded. “They asked me if I feel insecure about my penis size, which is ridiculous – I have a huge penis. The only reason any woman has ever turned me down is because my [SIC] penis is too huge. My penis is huge and it is functional, and it’s ridiculous that anyone would ever think that I would be insecure about my penis size.”

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Mr. Trump explains that his low self-esteem has nothing to do with his penis size.

According to Mr. Trump, the few psychiatric appointments he has upheld have been cut short. “As soon as they mention anti-depressants, I’m out,” he told us, citing that he already treats his low self-esteem with “Botox, fake tan, hair plugs,” and Twitter rants.

Mr. Trump admits that his condition has an impact on his ability to lead the country by attracting more media coverage. “It keeps the global community interested in me, and that’s tremendously helpful,” he boasted.

Our interview was scheduled to last half an hour but ended just short of ten minutes when Mr. Trump’s emotions took over and prevented him from speaking.   Continue reading “Trump Opens Up About Low Self-Esteem In Emotional Interview”