5 New And PROVEN Ways To Keep Your Heterosexual Boyfriend Interested In You

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There comes a time in any relationship where, if you want to keep things going, you have to start considering creative ways to ensure your partner stays interested in you. And sadly, everything you read about the matter on the internet is completely overused and, if you follow the standard advice, your guy will see right through it because it’s all been done before.

That’s why our journalists have been hard at work for months searching for solutions to this predicament – and we’ve finally done enough research to share five new and refreshing ways to keep your heterosexual boyfriend of six months to one year interested in you.

All of these steps have been scientifically proven to make your boyfriend more interested in you – and possibly even want to marry you. And they are so easy, so there’s no reason not to try all of them out!

1. Three words: Essential Oyster Fragrances

Eau de Toilette d'Huitre (essential oyster urine perfume)

I am not even getting paid by Eau de Toilette d’Huître – this stuff is so powerful that if you use it, you might not even need to follow any of the remaining other tips!

It’s made from 99% oyster urine, which, as we all know, is a really rich aphrodisiac. Your guy – and all the other guys in the vicinity – won’t be able to resist you. And it’s only $340 per bottle! That’s nothing compared to, let’s say, a boob job or a lobotomy.

Note: Generic brands are available, but they use lower-quality oyster urine (some even use clam urine instead – yuck!), so the extra money is totally worth it.

2. Keep a stash of Doritos in your lingerie

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If there’s one thing men love, it’s Doritos, so when a woman stuffs a bunch of them in her lingerie, it’s impossible for him to forget about her.

Keep them in there for as long as possible – experts say the longer you let Doritos fester in your lingerie, the more you’ll get your guy’s juices flowing. That’s because getting the Doritos a bit sweaty will make you smell more like fake cheese, and dudes love that, especially if it’s all over the most intimate parts of your body that only he gets to see!

3. Let him believe he’s the one who brought crabs into your sex life

Let him believe that he's the one who brought crabs into your sex life

If you don’t have crabs already, you’re going to need to get some. But wait until after you have sex and transfer them to his pubes before you tell him you have crabs. Otherwise, game over.

After you’ve transferred them to him and you can see him scratching, or he verbally tells you he is irritated and itchy below the belt, that’s when you tell him you noticed a crab. Whether you tell him you noticed a crab on yourself, or on him, that’s up to you, but make it sexy!

Get some crab shampoo, and when you’re in the midst of your erotic medicated lather, let him know what a strong, brave, and desirable man he must be considering the burly size of the fierce crabs he gave you.

4. Clog his toilet with mini footballs

4. Clog his toilet with mini footballs

Since your boyfriend lays awake at night wondering if your bowel movements are like his, this is a wonderful way to surprise and impress him.

First, buy some mini footballs and inject them with lead to make them sink when you drop them in the toilet. Head over to your boyf’s place with a few footballs stuffed in your bra, and tell him you need the bathroom.

Stay in his bathroom for about 10 minutes and drop the footballs from seat level every ten to 30 seconds; add a bit of toilet paper, and flush. When the toilet starts overflowing, that’s your cue to find your BF and act mortified like, “Oh my god, I just clogged your toilet with my shit, IDK what to do!?”

Your cry of distress help will make him feel super handy, and, of course, he’ll be over the moon when he finds out that you shit footballs.

5. Splash your hair with a bit of engine oil

5. Splash your hair with a bit of engine oil

This one is so obvious that it’s surprising it hasn’t been featured in Glamour or Marie Claire – yet. Experts say that if you really want your boyfriend to stay interested in you, it’s time for you to ditch your coconut and argan oil for some mineral car engine oil.

Basically, engine oil is a natural lubricant that detangles and adds shine to any type of hair – and dudes go crazy for this shit. Whether it’s the smell or the texture – I don’t know – nobody does – but there is something magical about it that just makes men so interested.

But if you really want to impress your boyfriend, ask to use his! That way, you can show him that you know what engine oil is, and that will really impress him, but he’ll also be super flattered that you want to use his engine oil because he spent a lot of time deciding on which one to get!

Note: Synthetic and semi-synthetic oils won’t hurt, but it’s always better to opt for mineral whenever you have the option (that rule applies to any type of beauty product).

The End

Congratulations! The five steps I just gave you are GUARANTEED to make your heterosexual boyfriend stay interested in you for months to come. In fact, if you’re really dedicated, he might even put a ring on your finger by the end of the month because he won’t be able to stay away from you!

7 Signs That Your Boyfriend Is 100% Hubby Material

Okay, let’s be honest. The world is crawling with so many guys that it’s almost impossible to distinguish the keepers from the duds. You can try finding the right guy through trial and error, or you can read about how to find the best partner by looking it up online, but you only have so much free time in your busy schedule!!

Luckily, I’ve dated/had sex with almost every grown man on earth, so I can literally speak for anyone who might be reading!!

So, ladies, here is what you should be looking for in your man (Gentlemen, take note!):

1. When you’re feeling nauseous, he holds your hair and encourages you to vomit on him and not in the toilet

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If he wants to be drenched in your essence and comfort you at the same time, he’s definitely a keeper.

2. He’s super attracted to your pheromones even though you literally just shoved a dead rat up your vagina

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Okay, maybe it was a dead mouse, but whatever. If you have a dead animal up your snatch and he still says he’s attracted to you, hang on to him, he’s got to be a good catch!

3. He tells you you’re beautiful even though your makeup sucks and you’re wearing that hideous pair of sweatpants that his super hot ex-girlfriend left behind when she dumped him

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Okay, so his ex may have left a few too many broken pieces for you to glue back together, but at least he doesn’t admit that they looked better on her, right?

4. Whenever you’re apart, he doesn’t just send you pictures of his own penis, but of all of his friends’ dicks as well.

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If your boyfriend is going to be your future hubby, he should already be sending you a minimum of five dick pics per day and only one of them should be of his penis, which is just enough to make sure you don’t forget how much he cares about you.

5. He makes sure his foreskin is cut (or not cut) just the way you like it.

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If he’s got a foreskin but you prefer it sans, he should immediately conduct a search for the nearest scalpel (or medical professional).

If he’s uncircumcised, no problem; if your guy really is a keeper, he’ll gladly perform a skin graft on himself. Hopefully, he keeps a spare foreskin stashed in his sock drawer with his needle and thread.

Extra points:
  • He lets you hold the scalpel

6. You don’t need to take birth control because his sperm count is abnormally low.

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Extra points:
  • He’s a genius chemist and he injects a homemade contraceptive serum into his thigh every night before he goes to bed.

7. He might be more in love with your period than with you

7 Signs Your Boyfriend Is A Real Man And Husband Material

He loves your period so much that he begs you to let him insert your tampons for you.

Extra points:
  • His favorite brand is O.B., but when push comes to shove he’s still better at using a cardboard applicator than you are!

5 Things To Know Before Falling In Love With An ISIS Freedom Fighter

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I spent a year backpacking in Europe and Asia, so I’m no stranger to dating people from different backgrounds. In fact, I thought I was an expert until I fell in love with an ISIS freedom fighter and realized just how much I didn’t know about the men in this world.

I’ve compiled a list of the five biggest lessons I learned when I fell in love with an Islamist militant so that you don’t have to learn the hard way.

1. The people who call you crazy don’t understand your situation. 

Your haters don’t know what they’re talking about because they are comfortable living mundane lives; all they know about ISIS is what they see on the news. You, on the other hand, are an adventurer, and you prefer to learn about the world first-hand. Your boring friends can judge you all they want, but they will never understand your motives until they find themselves in a similar position. And they’re probably too boring to ever be in your position. Just ignore them and keep being yourself, and remind your haters that your ISIS freedom fighter isn’t as dangerously competent as the media has cracked him up to be.

2. Ignorance is bliss.

If you’re in love with an ISIS freedom fighter, try to stay as ignorant as possible. Trust me, you don’t want to know about all the children and families he’s murdered, raped, and displaced. Just don’t ask and fingers crossed that he won’t tell you.

3. You can’t un-wash his brain.

You can take the man out of terrorism but you can’t take the terrorist out of the man. If you’re not into apocalyptic ideology, then you should probably find yourself another boyfriend. ISIS freedom fighters will never prioritize your relationship over world domination. In fact, he will probably never love you because he’s too busy working on that “higher purpose.”

4. You are nothing compared to the 72 virgins he gets to have sex with in heaven.

Don’t even try to compete with the 72 virgins. Those 72 virgins make your freedom fighter tick – literally. Just the thought of getting blown by 72 virgins is what motivated my guy to try blowing up a train station. In the end, he just blew himself up, and to this day, I still know nothing of his post-mortem sexcapades.

5. He’s not actually that great.

I know, you’re with a badass new guy whose intelligence and passion proceeds him. But remember, he’s a flawed human being, just like everyone else. You may feel that you can count on him for protection, that he’s someone you can depend on to plow a bus through all your haters, but really, he’s likely so incompetent that he will only kill himself during his long-awaited attack. You might think that he’s really smart, efficient, and sophisticated, but he’s not. He’s just a regular dude who happens to be indoctrinated with a very dangerous ideology.