My friends are all getting married and having babies, and I’m happy for them. Really, I am – it’s great that they’re settling down and starting to establish their own families. But that’s not what I want for myself; I just want to spend the rest of my life in solitude, masturbating in a dank basement.
You might think I’m weird. That’s fine, I’m used to it; it’s been years since my friends first started telling me they think I’m sexually deviant. But I’m comfortable with their judgments; I know they’re just jealous because their husbands can’t make them orgasm for shit.
I don’t need to find a man with a house because 75% of my friends are already homeowners, and most of them have cellars. Jessie’s basement, for example, has a constant temperature of about 55 degrees Fahrenheit with a significant level of ceiling condensation, which makes it fantastic for casual masturbation.
But if I want to engage in a passionate mènage á moi during warmer seasons, Laura’s house is perfect; there are no windows, and it’s not connected to the upstairs power supply so I can polish my pearl in pitch darkness. Her moist and impressively chilly basement is decked with dust and cobwebs to match her newly-wed vagina, but not mine – I get plenty of action.
There is no environment better-suited for masturbation than a dark, cold, humid basement. I don’t feel bad about not settling down and starting a family. When it comes to stimulating my clit, no man can compete with my skills; I’m damn good at making myself cum, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life in a dank basement doing just that.
There comes a time in any relationship where, if you want to keep things going, you have to start considering creative ways to ensure your partner stays interested in you. And sadly, everything you read about the matter on the internet is completely overused and, if you follow the standard advice, your guy will see right through it because it’s all been done before.
That’s why our journalists have been hard at work for months searching for solutions to this predicament – and we’ve finally done enough research to share five new and refreshing ways to keep your heterosexual boyfriend of six months to one year interested in you.
All of these steps have been scientifically proven to make your boyfriend more interested in you – and possibly even want to marry you. And they are so easy, so there’s no reason not to try all of them out!
1. Three words: Essential Oyster Fragrances
I am not even getting paid by Eau de Toilette d’Huître – this stuff is so powerful that if you use it, you might not even need to follow any of the remaining other tips!
It’s made from 99% oyster urine, which, as we all know, is a really rich aphrodisiac. Your guy – and all the other guys in the vicinity – won’t be able to resist you. And it’s only $340 per bottle! That’s nothing compared to, let’s say, a boob job or a lobotomy.
Note: Generic brands are available, but they use lower-quality oyster urine (some even use clam urine instead – yuck!), so the extra money is totally worth it.
2. Keep a stash of Doritos in your lingerie
If there’s one thing men love, it’s Doritos, so when a woman stuffs a bunch of them in her lingerie, it’s impossible for him to forget about her.
Keep them in there for as long as possible – experts say the longer you let Doritos fester in your lingerie, the more you’ll get your guy’s juices flowing. That’s because getting the Doritos a bit sweaty will make you smell more like fake cheese, and dudes love that, especially if it’s all over the most intimate parts of your body that only he gets to see!
3. Let him believe he’s the one who brought crabs into your sex life
If you don’t have crabs already, you’re going to need to get some. But wait until after you have sex and transfer them to his pubes before you tell him you have crabs. Otherwise, game over.
After you’ve transferred them to him and you can see him scratching, or he verbally tells you he is irritated and itchy below the belt, that’s when you tell him you noticed a crab. Whether you tell him you noticed a crab on yourself, or on him, that’s up to you, but make it sexy!
Get some crab shampoo, and when you’re in the midst of your erotic medicated lather, let him know what a strong, brave, and desirable man he must be considering the burly size of the fierce crabs he gave you.
4. Clog his toilet with mini footballs
Since your boyfriend lays awake at night wondering if your bowel movements are like his, this is a wonderful way to surprise and impress him.
First, buy some mini footballs and inject them with lead to make them sink when you drop them in the toilet. Head over to your boyf’s place with a few footballs stuffed in your bra, and tell him you need the bathroom.
Stay in his bathroom for about 10 minutes and drop the footballs from seat level every ten to 30 seconds; add a bit of toilet paper, and flush. When the toilet starts overflowing, that’s your cue to find your BF and act mortified like, “Oh my god, I just clogged your toilet with my shit, IDK what to do!?”
Your cry of distress help will make him feel super handy, and, of course, he’ll be over the moon when he finds out that you shit footballs.
5. Splash your hair with a bit of engine oil
This one is so obvious that it’s surprising it hasn’t been featured in Glamour or Marie Claire – yet. Experts say that if you really want your boyfriend to stay interested in you, it’s time for you to ditch your coconut and argan oil for some mineral car engine oil.
Basically, engine oil is a natural lubricant that detangles and adds shine to any type of hair – and dudes go crazy for this shit. Whether it’s the smell or the texture – I don’t know – nobody does – but there is something magical about it that just makes men so interested.
But if you really want to impress your boyfriend, ask to use his! That way, you can show him that you know what engine oil is, and that will really impress him, but he’ll also be super flattered that you want to use his engine oil because he spent a lot of time deciding on which one to get!
Note: Synthetic and semi-synthetic oils won’t hurt, but it’s always better to opt for mineral whenever you have the option (that rule applies to any type of beauty product).
Congratulations! The five steps I just gave you are GUARANTEED to make your heterosexual boyfriend stay interested in you for months to come. In fact, if you’re really dedicated, he might even put a ring on your finger by the end of the month because he won’t be able to stay away from you!
The Sink, Kitchen – A group of single hairs is making its way to the kitchen sink with hopes of wrapping themselves over and around various wet dishes, sponges, and, of course, each other – anyone they can cling to is a catch to fallen hairs.
There is a tacit understanding among the hair community that the kitchen sink is the best destination for new singles; in itself, the actual voyage to the kitchen is considered to be a traditional pilgrimage that can take up to several months to complete. And many hairs get lost along the way.
“If you’re lucky, you’ll fall out of your host’s head while they’re standing over the sink,” said one strand who fell onto a dirty dish in the dining room.”It’s all about falling out in the right place at the right time. I got pretty lucky,” the hair continued, “I just had to sit in that dirty bowl and wait to be taken to the sink. But my host is pretty messy, so it took like two weeks.”
Once they make it to the basin, the hairs get to mingle with wet and dirty dishes, sponges, and even the human hands that spend a great deal of time and energy trying to catch and dispose of the elusive hairs.
It’s very uncommon for hairs to go down the drain once they have made it to the basin. Their survival rate is so exceptional because they have mastered the art of clinginess. If a hair is long enough, it can be accommodated by several wet dishes at once, making it nearly impossible to pull the lovers away from each other.
It’s no secret that hairs experience separation anxiety once removed from their host. And now, we know that this applies even if the hairs fell out naturally. According to several sources, the separation trauma might explain the hairs’ tendency toward serial monogamy.
When a group of three couples planned a weekend getaway in the mountains, they made an altruistic yet fateful gesture of inviting a 7th and 8th wheel: Judy Pascal and Johnny Manori.
“Judy was my best friend, and she had been single for way too long,” said Sarah Hicks, the organizer of the trip. “She said she didn’t want a relationship and that she loved being independent, but I knew she was lying so I blackmailed her into coming.” Johnny was friends with the boys. They invited Johnny because they knew he would stop hanging out with them if he had a girlfriend.”
According to Ms. Hicks, the trip started out on a good note. “All of us couples were having a great time, and I thought [Judy and Johnny] were having a swell time too. Judy kept sprinting up ahead of us and smiling Johnny would waste no time to catch up with her. It looked like love at first sight.”
Indeed, it appeared as though Judy and Johnny had a real connection. Johnny was already adopting her mannerisms, and he had a seemingly pre-existing passion for all of her interests. But hindsight is 20/20, and it is now clear that Judy was trying to escape from conversing with Johnny, who took it upon himself to stand guard when she relieved herself behind a tree within the first hour of knowing her.
“Once we set up our campsite on the cliff, Judy said she wanted to kill herself and take Johnny with her,” recalled Ms. Hicks.
Soon after, witnesses say that Judy lit a cigarette and walked towards the edge of a cliff to look at the beautiful foggy view by herself. “She just wanted some alone time,” said one witness.
But, within seconds, Johnny came to join her. “I could see her swelling with anger from really far away. She would do anything to get away from him, and he just kept following her, so that’s how they both died.”