People Think They’re Smarter Than Me, But I Know They’re Wrong Because I’ve Spent $600 On Internet IQ Tests

laptop-computer-mobile-work-girl-woman-1374298-pxhere.com

I’ve always been the type of girl who stays away from smart people because I’m scared they’ll make me feel like a moron. But the thing is, they haven’t spent anywhere near as much time or money taking online IQ tests as I have, so they don’t even know if they’re intelligent or not.

Let me explain with an example. A colleague of mine once came over to my apartment and got excited when she noticed my stack of vintage National Geographic magazines on the coffee table. She picked up an issue from the late 60s with a picture of an astronaut on the cover, and she started talking about the story as if she had read it before.

But she clearly didn’t know shit because she accidentally called Lance Armstrong “Neil.” When I corrected her, she started laughing even though it was my fucking magazine she was reading.

After she left, I felt so insecure that I made a cup of coffee, popped a Ritalin, opened my browser, started a new IQ test, and paid $48 for it.

Before you ask; no, I don’t have the test questions memorized; I take a different test every time.

Yes, some of the tests might be kind of unreliable, but it’s easy to tell if you’ve been scammed because your test scores will be average or lower.

I got a score of 124 which is above average and also 10 points higher than my previous result. I felt secure and confident enough to invite my colleague over again because I knew that if she snubbed my intelligence, I could tell her that I have an above-average intelligence quotient.

I used my new and improved IQ score as leverage for a few weeks until I went out for drinks with a group of people who are super up-to-date with current events. After that, I went home and took another IQ test, this time for $51, and I got a score of 146. That’s right. I qualify for a Mensa membership even when I’m under the influence of alcohol!

Thanks to these online IQ tests and the $600 I’ve spent on them, I know that I don’t need to read those beautiful National Geographic magazines to learn stuff about the world. Hell, I don’t even need to be sober. I just need to tell my friends and coworkers that I qualify for Mensa and they’ll leave me the fuck alone.

Advertisements

Jennifer Feels So Much Better Now Because The Random Guy Who Just Tickled Her Nips Is Obviously Gay

pexels-photo-601317.jpeg

Jennifer almost lost her shit this afternoon when some random dude reached out of nowhere and playfully titillated her nips for a good few seconds before disappearing back into a crowd of people. “I looked at my friend Courtney like, ‘What the fuck? Who just did that?’ But Court didn’t see it happen, and I thought we’d never find out who did it. It was really scary, and I was about to get really pissed off.”

Fortunately, the man popped back out from the crowd and confessed to pinching Jennifer’s nipples before identifying himself as a gay male. “He was like, ‘Oh, don’t worry, honey. I mean, look at me – I’m as gay as a jay and not even attracted to you.’ I immediately felt relieved because, if he was a straight guy, that would have been sexual assault. But it’s always nice to have gay men pop out of nowhere and fondle my nipples.”

“Jennifer is probably the luckiest girl in the world,” friend Courtney chimes in. “That sense of relief she experienced when she found out the guy wasn’t even into her – I really thought that whoever did it was head over heels attracted to her. I’m super jealous of her good luck.”

He Gave Her Dirty Look, So She Seduced His Father. Now, She’s Tommy’s Stepmom.

Melinda Reichbiche Becomes Tommy's New Step Mom
“He Gave Me A Dirty Look, So I Seduced His Father. Now, I’m Tommy’s Stepmom.”

When Tommy Davis gave Melinda Reichbiche a dirty look at the mall, Melinda already knew how to get revenge. “I stealthily followed Tommy until he met up with his dad, Gary. Then, I fucked Gary, wrecked his home, and within a month I became Tommy’s stepmother.”

According to Melinda, Gary believes their marriage is actually founded on love rather than mere revenge. “Oh, he loves me so much. It’s kind of cute. Tommy, on the other hand, he knows exactly what’s going on and I always respond by either ignoring him or grounding him. The fact that males have no idea how much power us ladies have over them is just so endearing. It almost makes me like them!”

Wow! This Mother’s Poem To Her Son Will Make You Wet Yourself

To my son,

I first met you 25 years ago,

When you were just an innocent piece of flesh.

Still, I am the only person who will ever love you.

Since then, I have watched you grow

From an incompetent infant into an incapable young man.

Still, I am the only person who will ever be proud of you.

As a baby, your skin had a refreshing glow

Which has since turned to pus, lumps, and stubble.

Still, I am the only person who will ever want to look at you.

Love,

Your mother

mother-plays-with-active-son_WP